Journal Entry July 30 11:37 am

July 30 11:37 am
Well it sounds like this is it. Tomorrow I leave Agen and probably France. I will take the train back to Barcelona, get my bags, then leave. It's hard to believe in two or three days I may be back in Michigan just like this magical crazy summer never happened.
I know they can't feel the panic or see it in my face. I have learned to hide it well. I have been hiding it for years, it's a constant battle of my fears trying to get out and me trying to hold them in.

9:55 pm
Trapped in France. Who would have guessed that it would be upsetting to be told you were stuck in the French countryside for 3 weeks. No rent, no food to pay for, no work to do. Why do I hate the idea so much? Because I hate sitting here and doing nothing all day, I wasn't made to do nothing, it's not in my nature. I'm too middle-class to be okay with sitting around and doing nothing I guess. I've read all their books, eaten their food, and infringed on their hospitality for too long already. How can I make myself okay with being a burden? Especially to such nice people who have been so kind to me. And what about Dan and Luna who willingly agreed to keep my luggage for a week or so how do I tell them it may be a month!? I hate making peoples' lives difficult. Mom and Dad, Elea, her parents, Dan and Luna, all sweet, wonderful people that I am creating problems for.

11:53 pm
I now understand a bit better. I always thought of suicide as a selfish act where a person only thinks of themself and their own problems. But now I understand what it feels like to be a burden. I hate myself for what I'm putting everyone through. They have enough stress in their lives and I'm just making it worse. Most of all I hate doing it to my Dad he's a good person who doesn't deserve the grief and pressure it's putting on him. How unfair it is for my problem to become his. I did this to myself and now he is having to deal with it. That's just not right! He doesn't deserve my problems after all he and Mom have done for me. Some way I have of showing graditude!

People wonder why I'm anal and plan my whole life in advance, well this is why, because when I don't I make a huge mess out of everything. What did I think? That everything would magically work itself out!? That life is simple and easy?

Well I guess that makes me a jerk and an idiot!