August 17 9:40 pm
I've been back in the states 3 days now. It's almost like I never left. Things went pretty quickly back to how they were before I left. It's strange though, almost like I was in a coma for 2 months. It was like a long, beautiful, wonderful dream, but I missed 2 months of my friends' and family's lives. Yet no one seems to notice that but me.
So now what? Life, I suppose. Whatever that means. Work, maybe eventually my Master's. I just can't escape the feeling that I am meant to do something important. We are supposed to use our natural gifts right? Okay so mix empathy, communication, passion, determination.... and what do you get? No, seriously, it's not rhetorical. What do you get? The path that once seemed so clear and straight-forward has led me to an 8-way intersection with no map.
I guess all I can do is pick a road and go for it. Maybe I will end up back-tracking later but I can't just sit here and do nothing at all.
It's time to seize life and stop trying to plan and predict everything.
Look out world here I come!
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Journal Entry August 13th 7:15 am
August 13 7:15 am
Well I got up on time, even with only 4 hours of sleep. I don't know if Owen was home when I left even. It made me a bit sad and relieved that I wasn't going to say goodbye to him. I struggled down to the bus station with my bags and walked right up to a taxi and asked for help. I felt so brave. Now I'm in the cab listening to Moon River and watching birds rising to flight in a plaza. It would be the perfect ending to a romantic movie, except that I'm alone. lol
8:21 am
I just realized a couple things. One, that was, I'm pretty sure, my first taxi ride! Two, I'm super hungry. Time for some super expensive, not that good, airport food!
11:00 am (Michigan Time)
I'm back in North America! The second in flight movie just finished, so I opened the shade and saw Canada! We are over Labrador, I think. Talk about world geography! The coolest views of Earth are from above definately! Seeing erosion patterns and land forms, mountains, rivers, lakes, beaches... from this high up amazes me every time! I guess I am the daughter of a science teacher. lol We should be in NYC in about 2 hours.
4:01 pm
Made it to NYC. I really must look like a typical innocent American girl, granted I am one, because I never get stopped for security stuff. I guess I just don't look like a trouble-maker, again that would be an accurate statement as well. I am super anxious to get to Chicago and find Mom and Dad. I can feel the lack of sleep and time change stating to catch up with me. Too bad I need to keep myself up until we get all the way home, to help reschedule my body. Mom and Dad said they may be late to get me in Chicado, I just wish I knew approximately how late.
Well I got up on time, even with only 4 hours of sleep. I don't know if Owen was home when I left even. It made me a bit sad and relieved that I wasn't going to say goodbye to him. I struggled down to the bus station with my bags and walked right up to a taxi and asked for help. I felt so brave. Now I'm in the cab listening to Moon River and watching birds rising to flight in a plaza. It would be the perfect ending to a romantic movie, except that I'm alone. lol
8:21 am
I just realized a couple things. One, that was, I'm pretty sure, my first taxi ride! Two, I'm super hungry. Time for some super expensive, not that good, airport food!
11:00 am (Michigan Time)
I'm back in North America! The second in flight movie just finished, so I opened the shade and saw Canada! We are over Labrador, I think. Talk about world geography! The coolest views of Earth are from above definately! Seeing erosion patterns and land forms, mountains, rivers, lakes, beaches... from this high up amazes me every time! I guess I am the daughter of a science teacher. lol We should be in NYC in about 2 hours.
4:01 pm
Made it to NYC. I really must look like a typical innocent American girl, granted I am one, because I never get stopped for security stuff. I guess I just don't look like a trouble-maker, again that would be an accurate statement as well. I am super anxious to get to Chicago and find Mom and Dad. I can feel the lack of sleep and time change stating to catch up with me. Too bad I need to keep myself up until we get all the way home, to help reschedule my body. Mom and Dad said they may be late to get me in Chicado, I just wish I knew approximately how late.
Journal Entry August 12th 9:14 pm
August 12 9:14 pm
Well today is my real last day in Barcelona. I went down to Port Olympic, the beach, Torre Agbar, and Sagrada Familia to take pictures and say goodbye to the city. And in traditional fashion it is now raining like crazy.
I now wish I could just go to sleep so tomorrow morning will come sooner. Yet I'm not ready for tomorrow to come either. I need to finish packing and make sure I have all of my stuff. But if I finish packing then I am really going home and the adventure's over, and that's hard to believe. Despite its difficulties I've learned a lot and grown a lot too during this trip.
Well today is my real last day in Barcelona. I went down to Port Olympic, the beach, Torre Agbar, and Sagrada Familia to take pictures and say goodbye to the city. And in traditional fashion it is now raining like crazy.
I now wish I could just go to sleep so tomorrow morning will come sooner. Yet I'm not ready for tomorrow to come either. I need to finish packing and make sure I have all of my stuff. But if I finish packing then I am really going home and the adventure's over, and that's hard to believe. Despite its difficulties I've learned a lot and grown a lot too during this trip.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Journal Entry August 11 7:10 pm
August 11 7:10 pm
Well I didn't go to Tarragona today because I got up and moving so late. I did go down to the beach Owen recommended. I lay on the beach reading for a couple hours and then came home because it got cloudy. After rinsing off and changing I went down to the Locutori to print off my itenerary for my flight. I asked for a computer, asked how to print, and paid all in Spanish! Woohoo! Hurray for Chicken Little Stacy! HaHaHaHa
Well I didn't go to Tarragona today because I got up and moving so late. I did go down to the beach Owen recommended. I lay on the beach reading for a couple hours and then came home because it got cloudy. After rinsing off and changing I went down to the Locutori to print off my itenerary for my flight. I asked for a computer, asked how to print, and paid all in Spanish! Woohoo! Hurray for Chicken Little Stacy! HaHaHaHa
Journal Entry August 10 10:32 am
August 10 10:32 am
Currently in silent giggles listening to Owen talking to the cat. I got up at 7:30 this morning and went down to Dan & Luna's apartment and got one of my bags. I'm hoping to go back at noon and get the other one. Then I will have two days to organize my stuff before I leave.
I helped a guy at the Metro Station on my way there, warm-fuzzies again! He was definately not from around here, he thought I was Spanish! Haha
Currently in silent giggles listening to Owen talking to the cat. I got up at 7:30 this morning and went down to Dan & Luna's apartment and got one of my bags. I'm hoping to go back at noon and get the other one. Then I will have two days to organize my stuff before I leave.
I helped a guy at the Metro Station on my way there, warm-fuzzies again! He was definately not from around here, he thought I was Spanish! Haha
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Journal Entry Aug 7 11:05 pm
August 7 11:05 pm
Today had to be the craziest day I've had in Barcelona, and I didn't even leave the building I live in! It started very normally, I chilled on the couch with the cat, went online, took a shower, and then started some laundry. That's when the mayhem began.
The line to the hot water heater burst. It sent water pouring everywhere! I searched like crazy for the shut off but couldn't find it. I grabbed towels and started soaking it up and put bowls under where it was flowing off the counter. But that wasn't enough it started spreading across the kitchen floor into the hallway and the bedrooms. I ran around picking up everything off of the floor and unplugging the microwave and toaster and every electronic that could potentially get wet and start a fire.
Then I ran around the building knocking on doors but no one answered, so I called my roomate, who also didn't answer. Finally I caught a woman who was going up the stairs and in terrible Spanish explained what happened. She searched for the shutoff but couldn't find it either so she called the fire department. My roommate texted asking why I had called, and, trying my best not to panic, I told him the apartment was flooding and I couldn't stop it. Poor Owen ran all the way home, did a mad search and found the shutoff (outside the bathroom window)!
So the water stopped but most of the apartment was covered in an inch of water. So we spent an hour soaking it up with towels and blankets and wringing them out over and over. It was exhausting, then in the middle of the cleanup the firemen came and we had to try to explain what happened (again terrible Spanish) the finish cleaning. I'm afraid the wood floor will be ruined though, it sat and soaked in for quiet a while.
Well I survived the crisis without being injured or having a panic attack so I'd say I did well. haha As Owen said, "I don't know whether I'm gonna laugh or cry." I decided I won't do either I will just write about it and be glad it's over.
Today had to be the craziest day I've had in Barcelona, and I didn't even leave the building I live in! It started very normally, I chilled on the couch with the cat, went online, took a shower, and then started some laundry. That's when the mayhem began.
The line to the hot water heater burst. It sent water pouring everywhere! I searched like crazy for the shut off but couldn't find it. I grabbed towels and started soaking it up and put bowls under where it was flowing off the counter. But that wasn't enough it started spreading across the kitchen floor into the hallway and the bedrooms. I ran around picking up everything off of the floor and unplugging the microwave and toaster and every electronic that could potentially get wet and start a fire.
Then I ran around the building knocking on doors but no one answered, so I called my roomate, who also didn't answer. Finally I caught a woman who was going up the stairs and in terrible Spanish explained what happened. She searched for the shutoff but couldn't find it either so she called the fire department. My roommate texted asking why I had called, and, trying my best not to panic, I told him the apartment was flooding and I couldn't stop it. Poor Owen ran all the way home, did a mad search and found the shutoff (outside the bathroom window)!
So the water stopped but most of the apartment was covered in an inch of water. So we spent an hour soaking it up with towels and blankets and wringing them out over and over. It was exhausting, then in the middle of the cleanup the firemen came and we had to try to explain what happened (again terrible Spanish) the finish cleaning. I'm afraid the wood floor will be ruined though, it sat and soaked in for quiet a while.
Well I survived the crisis without being injured or having a panic attack so I'd say I did well. haha As Owen said, "I don't know whether I'm gonna laugh or cry." I decided I won't do either I will just write about it and be glad it's over.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Journal Entry August 6 8:52 pm
Aug 6 8:52 pm
To summarize my day is quite simple. Today I took a shower, went to the market, watched movies online, ate Brunner (Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner all combined) and hung around the empty apartment talking to a couple of cats.
Their names are Charlie and Principal. One is big, fat and fluffy with a superiority complex but a weakness for meat. The other is an anorexic short hair, who plays like a little kid but refuses to snuggle. Cats are the same everywhere. You couldn't guess a Spanish cat from an American one.
To summarize my day is quite simple. Today I took a shower, went to the market, watched movies online, ate Brunner (Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner all combined) and hung around the empty apartment talking to a couple of cats.
Their names are Charlie and Principal. One is big, fat and fluffy with a superiority complex but a weakness for meat. The other is an anorexic short hair, who plays like a little kid but refuses to snuggle. Cats are the same everywhere. You couldn't guess a Spanish cat from an American one.
Journal Entry Aug 5 4:02 pm
Aug 5 4:02 pm
I just woke up! I finally got to sleep at around 4:30 am last night and apparently I was really tired. Thought my phone was messed up when I first saw the time. It's funny because going to bed at 4 am isn't that unique around here except I wasn't dancing or drinking, I didn't even leave the apartment!
I just woke up! I finally got to sleep at around 4:30 am last night and apparently I was really tired. Thought my phone was messed up when I first saw the time. It's funny because going to bed at 4 am isn't that unique around here except I wasn't dancing or drinking, I didn't even leave the apartment!
Journal Entry August 4 9:43 pm
Aug 4 9:43 pm
Well I stayed last night in a very nice and quite expensive hostal. I had to pay 49 Euros for a double room because it was the only one they had left. I then went on a mad internet search for cheap hotels/hostals for the next week.... anything under 50 a night was booked up!
I forgot August is the high season for tourism here. So at 3 am after finding nothing I sent panic emails to the people I knew were still in Barcelona.
Owen (Meloney's old roomie) responded saying he had a room open. So that's where I am. I am in a tiny closet of a room with a dangerously high loft bed but it's my room for a week and the landlady is only charging me 15 Euros per day (thanks to Owen's persuasive skills). Hurray for Owen my Aussie hero! lol
I also ate my first real meal since I left France. I had a salad, bread, and yogurt and although it tasted amazing it didn't sit well with my stomach (which is still complaining 5 hours later)!
Well I stayed last night in a very nice and quite expensive hostal. I had to pay 49 Euros for a double room because it was the only one they had left. I then went on a mad internet search for cheap hotels/hostals for the next week.... anything under 50 a night was booked up!
I forgot August is the high season for tourism here. So at 3 am after finding nothing I sent panic emails to the people I knew were still in Barcelona.
Owen (Meloney's old roomie) responded saying he had a room open. So that's where I am. I am in a tiny closet of a room with a dangerously high loft bed but it's my room for a week and the landlady is only charging me 15 Euros per day (thanks to Owen's persuasive skills). Hurray for Owen my Aussie hero! lol
I also ate my first real meal since I left France. I had a salad, bread, and yogurt and although it tasted amazing it didn't sit well with my stomach (which is still complaining 5 hours later)!
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Journal Entry August 3 2:27 pm
August 3rd 2:27 pm
Partway back to Barcelona. I had to go by regional trains because the internationals are all booked until Friday. So now I have a two-hour wait in a tiny station, Latour-de-Carol, in the middle of the "Catalonian Pyrenees" it's a very pretty, though tiny, place. I don't have much to do but read the week-old newspaper that someone left on the seat (hey it's English) and try not to scratch the aweful rash that is all over both of my arms! I don't know what it is except that it showed up two days ago, looks like a mess of mosquito bites and it isn't going away.
4:52 pm
Wow this train trip is way different from the one to Agen! We are goin right through the mountains. What amazing views, and what temptations. It would be so cool to climb one of them and have that on-top-of-the-world feeling. I'm not sure if I am technically back in Spain yet but the signs at the stations are in Spanish so it's a bit of a relief. These little mountain-side cities are nothing like Barcelona. I hesitate to use the word quaint but that's the best way to describe them. A beautiful, peaceful backwoods town that almost feels like home.
Partway back to Barcelona. I had to go by regional trains because the internationals are all booked until Friday. So now I have a two-hour wait in a tiny station, Latour-de-Carol, in the middle of the "Catalonian Pyrenees" it's a very pretty, though tiny, place. I don't have much to do but read the week-old newspaper that someone left on the seat (hey it's English) and try not to scratch the aweful rash that is all over both of my arms! I don't know what it is except that it showed up two days ago, looks like a mess of mosquito bites and it isn't going away.
4:52 pm
Wow this train trip is way different from the one to Agen! We are goin right through the mountains. What amazing views, and what temptations. It would be so cool to climb one of them and have that on-top-of-the-world feeling. I'm not sure if I am technically back in Spain yet but the signs at the stations are in Spanish so it's a bit of a relief. These little mountain-side cities are nothing like Barcelona. I hesitate to use the word quaint but that's the best way to describe them. A beautiful, peaceful backwoods town that almost feels like home.
Journal Entry August 2 9:18 am
August 2nd 9:18 am
Lectoure, like Barcelona, has decided to throw me a farewell party complete with rain, wind, and thunder. I find it a comfort onse again that my emotions match the weather.
I let myself sleep in until 9 this morning! I am getting so lazy. I wish I had something to do to occupy my time. When I get to Barcelona I may splurge and buy a new notebook, if I have any money for it, as this one is nearly full.
2:19 pm
Well the train to Barcelona was full but I got a ticket to Toulouse and then I will figure things out from there. It's actually kind of a hidden blessing because I would have only had ten Euros left if I had to go all the way to Barcelona. Now Elea's parents don't have to worry about me and I will have enough money left for a hotel and maybe food. I need to find a hotel with wi-fi so I can communicate with Dad just in case he found an earlier flight for me. It's not that I don't like France and Spain, both are beautiful but I miss home and I feel incredibly unproductive here. Today's the second and when I talked to Dad yesterday the earliest ticket they had was the seventeenth. That's fifteen days of me doing nothing but spending their money.
I'm sitting across from a woman holding a dog like a baby. Earlier a small girl and her baby brother came wondering into our car. The baby grabbed my pants to pull himself up and when I looked at him he giggled, oh how that giggle pulled at my heartstrings. I just wanted to pick him up and hold him and play with him. I guess there really is a mother inside me somewhere waiting for its chance.
3:08 pm
In Toulouse, same hotel different room. This time I'm in 4 not 9 there is no pretty balcony view here but the room is actually a little better. I need to ask the employee who speaks English if they have wi-fi here. I didn't ask last time because I was too busy panicking. It seems silly to me now but when it was happening it felt very frightening. Tomorrow morning I will get up and go to the station to find a ticket. By then Dad should have gotten to the bank.
This room was clearly decorated with girl customers in mind. It has pink lamps, pink picture frames, and the designs on the curtain and blanket.... yup pink!
Lectoure, like Barcelona, has decided to throw me a farewell party complete with rain, wind, and thunder. I find it a comfort onse again that my emotions match the weather.
I let myself sleep in until 9 this morning! I am getting so lazy. I wish I had something to do to occupy my time. When I get to Barcelona I may splurge and buy a new notebook, if I have any money for it, as this one is nearly full.
2:19 pm
Well the train to Barcelona was full but I got a ticket to Toulouse and then I will figure things out from there. It's actually kind of a hidden blessing because I would have only had ten Euros left if I had to go all the way to Barcelona. Now Elea's parents don't have to worry about me and I will have enough money left for a hotel and maybe food. I need to find a hotel with wi-fi so I can communicate with Dad just in case he found an earlier flight for me. It's not that I don't like France and Spain, both are beautiful but I miss home and I feel incredibly unproductive here. Today's the second and when I talked to Dad yesterday the earliest ticket they had was the seventeenth. That's fifteen days of me doing nothing but spending their money.
I'm sitting across from a woman holding a dog like a baby. Earlier a small girl and her baby brother came wondering into our car. The baby grabbed my pants to pull himself up and when I looked at him he giggled, oh how that giggle pulled at my heartstrings. I just wanted to pick him up and hold him and play with him. I guess there really is a mother inside me somewhere waiting for its chance.
3:08 pm
In Toulouse, same hotel different room. This time I'm in 4 not 9 there is no pretty balcony view here but the room is actually a little better. I need to ask the employee who speaks English if they have wi-fi here. I didn't ask last time because I was too busy panicking. It seems silly to me now but when it was happening it felt very frightening. Tomorrow morning I will get up and go to the station to find a ticket. By then Dad should have gotten to the bank.
This room was clearly decorated with girl customers in mind. It has pink lamps, pink picture frames, and the designs on the curtain and blanket.... yup pink!
Journal Entry August 1st 2:06 pm
August 1st 2:06 pm
I'm leaving tomorrow. I'm going to take the train back to Barcelona and then wait for Dad to find an earlier flight or for the 18th to come around. I still don't have much money as of right now and I desperately wish I had a better way of communicating with Dad. I just want to go home. Now.
11:04 pm
I leave tomorrow morning. I'm not sure I'm ready but either way it's going to happen. I think I will be in Barcelona for the big festival week in August. It should be interesting. I'm quite sad to say goodbye to France, to Lectoure, to the family, and most of all to Elea. It's strange to think I may never see her again.
I'm leaving tomorrow. I'm going to take the train back to Barcelona and then wait for Dad to find an earlier flight or for the 18th to come around. I still don't have much money as of right now and I desperately wish I had a better way of communicating with Dad. I just want to go home. Now.
11:04 pm
I leave tomorrow morning. I'm not sure I'm ready but either way it's going to happen. I think I will be in Barcelona for the big festival week in August. It should be interesting. I'm quite sad to say goodbye to France, to Lectoure, to the family, and most of all to Elea. It's strange to think I may never see her again.
Journal Entry July 31st 11:03 pm
July 31st 11:03 pm
A much better day than yesterday. I will be leaving Monday this gives a little time for a plane ticket to open up. My biggest worries are money and communication once I get to Barcelona. But I will try not to worry about it now. Like I said, today was a good day. We went to town and went grocery shopping then came back and helped make dinner (spring rolls)! Elea and I also went down and ran through the giant sprinkler on our way down to go swimming in the "lake".
I think the hardest part of waiting two weeks to leave is that I will have nothing to do. No school, no work, no friends or family, just sitting and waiting.
A much better day than yesterday. I will be leaving Monday this gives a little time for a plane ticket to open up. My biggest worries are money and communication once I get to Barcelona. But I will try not to worry about it now. Like I said, today was a good day. We went to town and went grocery shopping then came back and helped make dinner (spring rolls)! Elea and I also went down and ran through the giant sprinkler on our way down to go swimming in the "lake".
I think the hardest part of waiting two weeks to leave is that I will have nothing to do. No school, no work, no friends or family, just sitting and waiting.
Journal Entry July 30 11:37 am
July 30 11:37 am
Well it sounds like this is it. Tomorrow I leave Agen and probably France. I will take the train back to Barcelona, get my bags, then leave. It's hard to believe in two or three days I may be back in Michigan just like this magical crazy summer never happened.
I know they can't feel the panic or see it in my face. I have learned to hide it well. I have been hiding it for years, it's a constant battle of my fears trying to get out and me trying to hold them in.
9:55 pm
Trapped in France. Who would have guessed that it would be upsetting to be told you were stuck in the French countryside for 3 weeks. No rent, no food to pay for, no work to do. Why do I hate the idea so much? Because I hate sitting here and doing nothing all day, I wasn't made to do nothing, it's not in my nature. I'm too middle-class to be okay with sitting around and doing nothing I guess. I've read all their books, eaten their food, and infringed on their hospitality for too long already. How can I make myself okay with being a burden? Especially to such nice people who have been so kind to me. And what about Dan and Luna who willingly agreed to keep my luggage for a week or so how do I tell them it may be a month!? I hate making peoples' lives difficult. Mom and Dad, Elea, her parents, Dan and Luna, all sweet, wonderful people that I am creating problems for.
11:53 pm
I now understand a bit better. I always thought of suicide as a selfish act where a person only thinks of themself and their own problems. But now I understand what it feels like to be a burden. I hate myself for what I'm putting everyone through. They have enough stress in their lives and I'm just making it worse. Most of all I hate doing it to my Dad he's a good person who doesn't deserve the grief and pressure it's putting on him. How unfair it is for my problem to become his. I did this to myself and now he is having to deal with it. That's just not right! He doesn't deserve my problems after all he and Mom have done for me. Some way I have of showing graditude!
People wonder why I'm anal and plan my whole life in advance, well this is why, because when I don't I make a huge mess out of everything. What did I think? That everything would magically work itself out!? That life is simple and easy?
Well I guess that makes me a jerk and an idiot!
Well it sounds like this is it. Tomorrow I leave Agen and probably France. I will take the train back to Barcelona, get my bags, then leave. It's hard to believe in two or three days I may be back in Michigan just like this magical crazy summer never happened.
I know they can't feel the panic or see it in my face. I have learned to hide it well. I have been hiding it for years, it's a constant battle of my fears trying to get out and me trying to hold them in.
9:55 pm
Trapped in France. Who would have guessed that it would be upsetting to be told you were stuck in the French countryside for 3 weeks. No rent, no food to pay for, no work to do. Why do I hate the idea so much? Because I hate sitting here and doing nothing all day, I wasn't made to do nothing, it's not in my nature. I'm too middle-class to be okay with sitting around and doing nothing I guess. I've read all their books, eaten their food, and infringed on their hospitality for too long already. How can I make myself okay with being a burden? Especially to such nice people who have been so kind to me. And what about Dan and Luna who willingly agreed to keep my luggage for a week or so how do I tell them it may be a month!? I hate making peoples' lives difficult. Mom and Dad, Elea, her parents, Dan and Luna, all sweet, wonderful people that I am creating problems for.
11:53 pm
I now understand a bit better. I always thought of suicide as a selfish act where a person only thinks of themself and their own problems. But now I understand what it feels like to be a burden. I hate myself for what I'm putting everyone through. They have enough stress in their lives and I'm just making it worse. Most of all I hate doing it to my Dad he's a good person who doesn't deserve the grief and pressure it's putting on him. How unfair it is for my problem to become his. I did this to myself and now he is having to deal with it. That's just not right! He doesn't deserve my problems after all he and Mom have done for me. Some way I have of showing graditude!
People wonder why I'm anal and plan my whole life in advance, well this is why, because when I don't I make a huge mess out of everything. What did I think? That everything would magically work itself out!? That life is simple and easy?
Well I guess that makes me a jerk and an idiot!
Journal Entry July 28th 11:04 pm
July 28th 11:04 pm
We went to Agen today, did a little shopping and walked around. It was fun. We stopped and I got what they call "a syrup" it's just flavored syrup and water but I like it. I've now had strawberry and kiwi.
While we were in Agen we went to the train station. I willingly confess it filled me with fear, panic, worry and a million more not so fun emotions. Planning to leave here means going back to the real world, with life, work worries, etc... but it also means going back to love, family and friends. And then there's familiarity, a blessing and a curse; I fear things I don't know but I also fear falling into a life of familiarity, normalcy, and maybe even complacency. What to do? I am neither here nor there. A woman trapped in limbo. I shout into nothing, "is anyone here?" No answer. How can anyone be here when the "here" is nowhere?
We went to Agen today, did a little shopping and walked around. It was fun. We stopped and I got what they call "a syrup" it's just flavored syrup and water but I like it. I've now had strawberry and kiwi.
While we were in Agen we went to the train station. I willingly confess it filled me with fear, panic, worry and a million more not so fun emotions. Planning to leave here means going back to the real world, with life, work worries, etc... but it also means going back to love, family and friends. And then there's familiarity, a blessing and a curse; I fear things I don't know but I also fear falling into a life of familiarity, normalcy, and maybe even complacency. What to do? I am neither here nor there. A woman trapped in limbo. I shout into nothing, "is anyone here?" No answer. How can anyone be here when the "here" is nowhere?
Journal Entry July 27th 9:55 am
July 27 9:55 am
I realized that I am once again writing about myself instead of my experiences here. Elea's house is huge, much bigger than it first appeared to be. When I first arrived I wondered how they fir a family of 8 into this tiny house but after being shown around I realized they have room to spare. Literally, they have like 5 massive spare rooms that they don't use! Her family is very nice I like talking to her Dad but he is very busy so I don't see him much. Her mother is very sweet but quiet and sometimes looks like she carries the weight of the world on her shoulders. Her sister Manon reminds me of Jollene a lot especially when she and Elea argue. Her brothers... well they are brothers they tease and joke but you can tell that they love each other very much.
It's interesting, Elea says she is not very close to her Dad but I can tell when she talks by how intently he listens that he cares for her very much. I think maybe it's one of those things you can only see from outside the situation.
I feel like this trip has changed me, not because I'm thinner or tanner. Something within me has changed and I'm not sure what. Maybe it's the realization that my childhood really is over, or the aching to make a difference in the world. Whatever it is I don't know if it is good or bad but it is ever-present like a cloud over my head or my shadow following behind me. It's there just waiting to be faced and dealt with.
7:15 pm
Today we went into Lectoure. We went to the library, the church, a bakery, and a gift shop. We walked around and I took lots of random pictures.
Elea's sister Manon drove us into town, they argued most of the way there and back. It makes me glad that my sisters are pretty much grown up so we don't do that anymore. If we argue then we just hang up the phone or leave the house.
The town is so pretty, all of the houses have the white walls and red tile roofs. It's like someone set it up just for a postcard. I learned there's a castle up the road, I really want to visit it. I think I will ask Elea to give me directions and I will go tomorrow while she is working.
10:53 pm
It's kind of funny how well Manon and I can communicate with her very small amount of English and my even smaller knowledge of French but it works.
I realized that I am once again writing about myself instead of my experiences here. Elea's house is huge, much bigger than it first appeared to be. When I first arrived I wondered how they fir a family of 8 into this tiny house but after being shown around I realized they have room to spare. Literally, they have like 5 massive spare rooms that they don't use! Her family is very nice I like talking to her Dad but he is very busy so I don't see him much. Her mother is very sweet but quiet and sometimes looks like she carries the weight of the world on her shoulders. Her sister Manon reminds me of Jollene a lot especially when she and Elea argue. Her brothers... well they are brothers they tease and joke but you can tell that they love each other very much.
It's interesting, Elea says she is not very close to her Dad but I can tell when she talks by how intently he listens that he cares for her very much. I think maybe it's one of those things you can only see from outside the situation.
I feel like this trip has changed me, not because I'm thinner or tanner. Something within me has changed and I'm not sure what. Maybe it's the realization that my childhood really is over, or the aching to make a difference in the world. Whatever it is I don't know if it is good or bad but it is ever-present like a cloud over my head or my shadow following behind me. It's there just waiting to be faced and dealt with.
7:15 pm
Today we went into Lectoure. We went to the library, the church, a bakery, and a gift shop. We walked around and I took lots of random pictures.
Elea's sister Manon drove us into town, they argued most of the way there and back. It makes me glad that my sisters are pretty much grown up so we don't do that anymore. If we argue then we just hang up the phone or leave the house.
The town is so pretty, all of the houses have the white walls and red tile roofs. It's like someone set it up just for a postcard. I learned there's a castle up the road, I really want to visit it. I think I will ask Elea to give me directions and I will go tomorrow while she is working.
10:53 pm
It's kind of funny how well Manon and I can communicate with her very small amount of English and my even smaller knowledge of French but it works.
Journal Entry July 26th 11:03 am
July 26th 11:03 am
I made it to Elea's house! They picked me up at the station, then we came to the house where she showed me around and introduced everyone. This morning they all left to go work at 6 am, I wish I could work too. I like working. Elea said they will work til noon so I spent most of the morning exploring the fields and taking pictures. I also ate green beans, raspberries, and even a tomato. In a lot of ways it reminds me of home. Dandelions, wild raspberries, and Queen Anne's Lace all remind me of why I love Michigan and miss it. But I think most of all I miss the feeling of being in a family.
5:19 pm
I don't understand myself. It's great here and it's wonderful to see Elea and meet her family but I have a horrible lost feeling I just can't shake. I would guess it has to do with having no school, job, home, friends.... I feel like I've fallen through the looking-glass and am careening down a never-ending hole. I'm a person of goals, plans, and ideas how can I be so lost?
9:30 pm
Where am I going? What am I doing? I hate not knowing the answers to such simple questions. How about "Who am I?" that's another one that I'd like to know. You would think at nearly 24 I would be moving out and in control, especially someone as organized as I am. I hate having to depend on my parents. I know they love me and want to help but it's not fair to them or healthy for me to depend so much on them.
I made it to Elea's house! They picked me up at the station, then we came to the house where she showed me around and introduced everyone. This morning they all left to go work at 6 am, I wish I could work too. I like working. Elea said they will work til noon so I spent most of the morning exploring the fields and taking pictures. I also ate green beans, raspberries, and even a tomato. In a lot of ways it reminds me of home. Dandelions, wild raspberries, and Queen Anne's Lace all remind me of why I love Michigan and miss it. But I think most of all I miss the feeling of being in a family.
5:19 pm
I don't understand myself. It's great here and it's wonderful to see Elea and meet her family but I have a horrible lost feeling I just can't shake. I would guess it has to do with having no school, job, home, friends.... I feel like I've fallen through the looking-glass and am careening down a never-ending hole. I'm a person of goals, plans, and ideas how can I be so lost?
9:30 pm
Where am I going? What am I doing? I hate not knowing the answers to such simple questions. How about "Who am I?" that's another one that I'd like to know. You would think at nearly 24 I would be moving out and in control, especially someone as organized as I am. I hate having to depend on my parents. I know they love me and want to help but it's not fair to them or healthy for me to depend so much on them.
Journal Entry July 25th 3:18 am
3:18 am
Apparently I wore myself out panicking earlier because I fell asleep around 6 and just woke up. Now it is 3 am and I've already had 8 hours of sleep.
My room is small with a tiny single bed, a night stand, and a desk, it also has a bathroom with no toilet, what's the point of that!?
11:25 am
I checked out of the hotel at a little after 11 then I got myself back to the station just to make sure I knew the way. Now I'm sitting in a small park with a carosel, fountain, and small garden. Why here? Because I feel safe here the park is full of families and seniors and people meeting and talking. I need to find something to eat. I haven't eaten since this time Friday, and if I end up standing again on the train I may pass out. I think I will do as Elea suggested, go buy some French bread and try to relax. I do feel much more calm than yesterday though.
12:20 pm
Still 5 and a half hours before my train leaves. I'm sitting in front of the Toulouse train station, thinking about the differences between here and Barcelona. It's colder and windier here. I wish I understood something people here were saying. In Barcelona I could understand about half of the Spanish I encountered. Here I understand yes, no please, thank you, and the number 1 to 10. So unless someone says, "yes please 1, 2, 3 thank you," I have no clue what they say. I went and got food. I went to an alimentario and got cookies and apple juice and tucked them away for later. Then I stopped at a bakery and picked 2 random things out of the window. I got seriously lucky, the wrap I picked turned out to be tuna and the pastry was a chocolate mousse-filled doughnut. I was so relieved to have accidently stumbled on food that I will actually eat that when a homeless man came up to me I willingly gave him half. Afterward I felt more full than if I had had a four-course meal. Kindness. My favorite thing about people is our kindness. A kind act no matter how big or small is a beautiful thing, how could I resist that warm, fuzzy feeling?
3:24 pm
I'm sitting near the arrivals gate at the train station. I still have 2 hours before I can even board my train, but I don't care because this is one of the best places I could be. I love to sit and watch as trains arrive and people find friends and family. I've never seen an actor pull-off a genuine reenacting of the scene. A cry of, "Mama," followed by pattering feet as a child jumps into her mother's arms. I even saw a dog that started crying and whining when his owner came up the stairs. Those emotions are so universal that it doesn't matter that I only know 5 words of French.
6:23 pm
Finally on the train to Agen. Fingers crossed that they announce the station clearly.
Apparently I wore myself out panicking earlier because I fell asleep around 6 and just woke up. Now it is 3 am and I've already had 8 hours of sleep.
My room is small with a tiny single bed, a night stand, and a desk, it also has a bathroom with no toilet, what's the point of that!?
11:25 am
I checked out of the hotel at a little after 11 then I got myself back to the station just to make sure I knew the way. Now I'm sitting in a small park with a carosel, fountain, and small garden. Why here? Because I feel safe here the park is full of families and seniors and people meeting and talking. I need to find something to eat. I haven't eaten since this time Friday, and if I end up standing again on the train I may pass out. I think I will do as Elea suggested, go buy some French bread and try to relax. I do feel much more calm than yesterday though.
12:20 pm
Still 5 and a half hours before my train leaves. I'm sitting in front of the Toulouse train station, thinking about the differences between here and Barcelona. It's colder and windier here. I wish I understood something people here were saying. In Barcelona I could understand about half of the Spanish I encountered. Here I understand yes, no please, thank you, and the number 1 to 10. So unless someone says, "yes please 1, 2, 3 thank you," I have no clue what they say. I went and got food. I went to an alimentario and got cookies and apple juice and tucked them away for later. Then I stopped at a bakery and picked 2 random things out of the window. I got seriously lucky, the wrap I picked turned out to be tuna and the pastry was a chocolate mousse-filled doughnut. I was so relieved to have accidently stumbled on food that I will actually eat that when a homeless man came up to me I willingly gave him half. Afterward I felt more full than if I had had a four-course meal. Kindness. My favorite thing about people is our kindness. A kind act no matter how big or small is a beautiful thing, how could I resist that warm, fuzzy feeling?
3:24 pm
I'm sitting near the arrivals gate at the train station. I still have 2 hours before I can even board my train, but I don't care because this is one of the best places I could be. I love to sit and watch as trains arrive and people find friends and family. I've never seen an actor pull-off a genuine reenacting of the scene. A cry of, "Mama," followed by pattering feet as a child jumps into her mother's arms. I even saw a dog that started crying and whining when his owner came up the stairs. Those emotions are so universal that it doesn't matter that I only know 5 words of French.
6:23 pm
Finally on the train to Agen. Fingers crossed that they announce the station clearly.
Journal Entry July 24 12:15 am
12:15 am
I leave Barcelona today. That fact is really just sinking in, which sucks since I really enjoyed the last week or so. But it does feel like it's time to move on. So goodbye Barcelona, hello whatever happens next!
8:14 am
I made it to the train station! I'm about a half-hour early but I decided it was better to play it safe. I was originally planning to do a little walking and kind of say goodbye to my city but I guess I will say goodbye from the window of the train. The train I'm on actually is going to Montpelier so I hope they make it very obvious when I need to get off at Narbonne. I saw on my ticket that it said, "turista," I had assumed that was the same as coach on a plane but I was wrong, there is a car on the train just for tourists. It's interesting to listen to. I hope that we get to see the beautiful French countryside from the train!
11:06 am
Just left the station on Girona, I wonder if we are in France yet. I don't know the city names but I heard a lot of French being spoken but that could just be because we are near the border.
11:49 am
Still in Spain. Figueres is the name of the stop we are at, I wish I had some clue as to our relative location but I really have no idea! There are small mountains all around us now, I have to resist the urge to get off the train and climb quietly by myself to the top where I would just sit and be happy. I suppose that's just on odd personality trait of mine. I wonder why?
1:08 pm
I just saw my first random castle in the French countryside just beyond the Perpignon stop.
2:58 pm
On a train from Narbonne to Toulouse. I missed my original train so I had to catch the next one, which is crammed full. I am currently sitting on the floor in the aisle. On the way to Narbonne I wished I had a window seat, now I have the window and no seat!
Later
What is it with me?! I was totally fine until I got to Toulouse. Now I'm so scared I could vomit or cry or maybe both. What was I thinking? I'm in the middle of a strange city where I don't know the language, don't know anyone, and have next to no money! I'm an idiot! How was I planning on this working? If going to Barcelona was the scariest thing I'd ever done it didn't hold the place long. I'm terrified, I just want to find a hostal and cry myself to sleep.
5:03 pm
I found a hotel, it's old and yucky and is falling apart but I don't care because I have my own room with a bed where I can sit and cry out of fear and relief. My heart is still pumping fast out of panic. I know I shouldn't but tonight I think I will skip dinner and just stay in. That part of me that was telling me to skip France and just go home is now screaming, "I told you so!"
I leave Barcelona today. That fact is really just sinking in, which sucks since I really enjoyed the last week or so. But it does feel like it's time to move on. So goodbye Barcelona, hello whatever happens next!
8:14 am
I made it to the train station! I'm about a half-hour early but I decided it was better to play it safe. I was originally planning to do a little walking and kind of say goodbye to my city but I guess I will say goodbye from the window of the train. The train I'm on actually is going to Montpelier so I hope they make it very obvious when I need to get off at Narbonne. I saw on my ticket that it said, "turista," I had assumed that was the same as coach on a plane but I was wrong, there is a car on the train just for tourists. It's interesting to listen to. I hope that we get to see the beautiful French countryside from the train!
11:06 am
Just left the station on Girona, I wonder if we are in France yet. I don't know the city names but I heard a lot of French being spoken but that could just be because we are near the border.
11:49 am
Still in Spain. Figueres is the name of the stop we are at, I wish I had some clue as to our relative location but I really have no idea! There are small mountains all around us now, I have to resist the urge to get off the train and climb quietly by myself to the top where I would just sit and be happy. I suppose that's just on odd personality trait of mine. I wonder why?
1:08 pm
I just saw my first random castle in the French countryside just beyond the Perpignon stop.
2:58 pm
On a train from Narbonne to Toulouse. I missed my original train so I had to catch the next one, which is crammed full. I am currently sitting on the floor in the aisle. On the way to Narbonne I wished I had a window seat, now I have the window and no seat!
Later
What is it with me?! I was totally fine until I got to Toulouse. Now I'm so scared I could vomit or cry or maybe both. What was I thinking? I'm in the middle of a strange city where I don't know the language, don't know anyone, and have next to no money! I'm an idiot! How was I planning on this working? If going to Barcelona was the scariest thing I'd ever done it didn't hold the place long. I'm terrified, I just want to find a hostal and cry myself to sleep.
5:03 pm
I found a hotel, it's old and yucky and is falling apart but I don't care because I have my own room with a bed where I can sit and cry out of fear and relief. My heart is still pumping fast out of panic. I know I shouldn't but tonight I think I will skip dinner and just stay in. That part of me that was telling me to skip France and just go home is now screaming, "I told you so!"
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