July 1 2010 9:20 am

9:20 am July 1st

Today's morning juice is called Pacifico. It has apple, kiwi, orange, and lime juice in it. I prefer it more than yesterday's but I think I will keep searching for a favorite.

2:10 pm

I can't do it! I can't I can't I can't! I can't pretend I'm okay. I can't pretend I'm happy here. I can't pretend I want to do this anymore. I love to learn the grammar, the styles of teaching, the most effective means of instruction. But I can't do it. I would I intentionally make myself so unhappy that I'm sick!? Whay would I put myself through it when I know this isn't what I want to do? I'm trying to stretch myself adn force myself to grow but this is too much! I simply can't be what I am not.

5:04 pm

Today was one of those "off" days. I hate those days! I couldn't think, I couldn't eat; I'm a bit surprised I could breathe really. It was almost an out-of-body experience. I think everyone has that sometimes. Maybe every now and then a person should be alotted a day off for that kind of day, just like a sick day. I could have definately used one today.

6:20 pm

I'm sitting in Parc de L'Espanya Industrial now just wasting time and taking pictures. I went to the Parc Joan Miro after class; it looks more Egyptian that Spanish there (it's all sand). This park is actually quite beautiful; they tried a bit too hard maybe (with the alien like towers, the Grecian pools, and the giant iron dragon) but the breeze is heaven!

I'm sitting in the shade by a fountain. It smells funny and I'm sure the water is really dirty but I can't resist putting my feet in. Also sitting down-wind from the fountain I get a faint mist like I was standing in an alcove behind a waterfall.

I'm going to head to the Magic Fountains in a little while. Our instructor, Jane, says they have a really pretty show there tonight, anything to pass time I guess.

Tomorrow (if I don't forget my map again) I'm planning to go to "Las Casas". These are the funny-looking houses designed by famous architects (they are all in one area). That are just North of La Rambla I think so depending on time I may go down to La Boqueria again. Maybe I will ask people tomorrow if they want to go with me, anything is better than to be alone.

7:32 pm

So I found the Font Magica, it's actually right in front of Monjuic (which really isn't a "Mount" it's just the biggest hill in the city). Now I know where it is for when I come here later. Also I have to remember that the food here is very expensive so I need to bring food or eat before I come. It's very touristy, unfortunately, so I have to watch my purse. Still it's very pretty and I'm hoping I might find a little peace and quiet on the trails.

I've decided to make myself a list of things I have to do while I'm here. I've already pushed myself a lot just by coming here and staying in a strange place but I have plenty of other ways I need to improve. So here is what I have so far:

-Try Paella
-Eat at a local bar/restaurant
-Order something in Spanish (No cheating i.e. Spanglish)
-Invite people from class to do something
-Make an actual friend (not just polite conversation)
-Go gift shopping
-Be extravagant; once (Not tons, but I'm in Spain for goodness sake!)
-Clothes shop, at least a little bit
-Talk to someone in Spanish (again, no cheating)

I'm sure I will think of more, but that's all for now (and although to most people it doesn't seem like much for me these are some serious challenges).

I still don't think I will stay beyond the month (for money reasons) but I will stay until then. I have to! I can't let myself leave, and go home, back to living in a shell. I need to make myself stay, be uncomfortable, grow....