Journal Entry July 5th 3:08 pm

3:08 pm July 5th

I didn't teach today so I'm done early. I would've been home sooner but I stayed and put pictures on facebook. Alex told Lisa about how I freaked out last week before I taught, so I guess the cat is out of the bag. I'm not sure if that's a good or bad, but now she knows I'm crazy.

So I mentioned before that people here don't wear shorts. That's not 100% correct. The guys here wear shorts that look basically the same as in the states. The women, however, wear dresses or (as one of my classmates dubbed them) "Hammer-pants." They look like a light curtain that somone turned into pants. They do look light-weight (which you need in this heat) but I don't think I could ever wear them.

It's funny everyone at school keeps talking about how little free-time we have, I only wish that were true. If it was true time would go faster than the sluggish pace it seems to be slowly trudging by at now. Well time to go make lunch, hurray for pasta (sans meat)!

Urg!!!! Oh irony! It happened again! I was making my pasta and figured I would look at the ingredients out of curiousity and it had pork in it! Why is everything here full of meat!? Looks like another day without solid food for me.

You may ask yourself (and would ask me if you were here) "couldn't she just go get more food?" Why yes! You are absolutely correct hypothetical person with your cleverly obvious question. I could go buy more food but I'm not hungry really, I've just been forcing myself to eat once a day so I don't pass out or something stupid. But it's not really worth the effort to go buy more food. I'll just wait and eat tomorrow.

7:30 pm

I'm back to the same question again. What am I doing here? I knew I didn't want to be an English teacher 2 years ago, that's why I changed majors. I guess the more important question (since I'm not going to let myself run away home) is what am I going to do at the end of class?

I will go visit Elea, but then what? Go home? I don't have a home. My apartment probably already has someone living in it. Yes I know my parents wouldn't make me be homeless but I'm nearly 24 years-old, at some point I need to stop depending on them. Plus they've worked hard, they deserve to have their own lives without me coming and begging for handouts.

I supposed I can substitute teach, work at the theater, and start paying back student loans. But how long will it be before I can afford grad school? I hate that I have to wait so long to do what seems like the next logical step in my life! I have been a responsible, frugal college student and yet I still can't afford life. I with it was possible to get an IR job with just a Bachelor's Degree.

10:30 pm

I feel like I have two politicians arguing in my head. They have the same refrain but opposing meanings. "Don't do something you will regret!", they both shout into my thoughts. One argues, "don't go home, make yourself stay after the class ends," while the other shoots back, "are you crazy!? You're miserable, why would you stay and throw away a year of your life?"

I must confess that the logical part of me that craves security, and a Graduate's Degree, and to be there for my family agrees with the second voice. I can travel abroad for conferences and resume builders like this class what's wrong with that? But that tiny What If?, that hides and whispers in my ear, says, "What if this is what you are meant to do? What if you are meant to meet the man of your dreams here? What if you go home and become an old (granted intellectual) spinster? What if you spend the rest of your life asking yourself 'What if'?"

What if........ man I hate those words!!!!