Journal Entry July 23 1:03 AM

July 23 1:03 am

I went with some people from class to see the magic fountain again from Montjuic. The show was just as corny but it was fun to hang out with people. I can´t say that I would have guessed the people I would be the closest to at the beginning of the class. I will definately miss my fellow Michigander!

It makes me wonder a bit... Why were we drawn to each other? Because we are both from Michigan? Because we have complimentary personalities? Because we are on the same maturity level? Whatever it was I´m glad it did! Thank you, whatever mysterious power brought me a crazy Romanian, a talkative Belgian, a tough Jersey-girl, an independent Californian woman, and a brave Michiganian mother of two!

I think this has been the greatest learning experience of my life and I wouldn´t trade a day of it (even the aweful homesick filled ones) for anything in the world!

10:06 am

Well my darling city has made a beautiful effort to say farewell. I woke up this morning just in time to see the two minutes worth of rain that we had. My last day here is cloudy and windy, a fitting backdrop for the end of an emotional rollercoaster of a month.

I don´t think I would want to live in Barcelona permanently but I will miss it. I won´t miss the anxiety that comes with the class but I will miss the people. They are all important characters in a very influential chapter of my life.

10:45 am

I must confess a part of me just wants to skip France and go back to Michigan as fast as possible. I´d imagine that´s the homesick part of me talking, but I don´t want to act on fear I´ve been doing that most of my life. It´s time to step up!

Journal Entry July 20 12:59 pm

Listen. The low humming of buses as they buzz around the city like bees. The higher, faster buzz of the motorcycles. The quiet patter of feet on sidewalk. A sharp car horn to chase a lagging pedestrian acrossed the street. The happy chattering of the shopkeeper and her customer. The chirpy calls of birds as they glide from rooftop to rooftop. A strange flicking noise... a light... an apparently homeless man sits on the corner slowly burning holes into a shirt with a lighter.

Journal Entry July 19 3:45 pm

3:45 pm

Hurray for Spanish gentlemen! It´s amazing how a small kindness can change your mood so much. A man let me go in front of him at the supermarket. Although I am still really nervous about today´s lessons I am now at least cheerfully nervous. It´s like the universe is saying, ¨Relax, life is beautiful, enjoy it.¨ Okay universe I will try.

3:58 pm

Okay let the madness begin.

8:15 pm

Today was an interesting day of contrasts. The beginning of the week but the end of the course. Exhilaration and exhaustion. The beginning of my search for jobs back home but the end of my debating staying here.

I decided. Be it right or wrong, it´s done and I am responsible for the consequences.

I did my fourth and fifth lessons today and I am so glad they are over! I think they were my best and worst classes so far.

I found out that I can´t bring my suitcases to France. My stuff can only total 20 kilos; as in altogether! So I will have to ask my roommates if I can leave some here.

Journal Entry July 18th 8:40 am

July 18th 8:40 am

My body has definately gotten used to getting up at 8. Even though I was kept up by the crying baby and my roommate watching really loud tv until 5 am I still woke up at 8. It's my last Sunday in Barcelona and I'm going to spend most of it working. Which is okay since I've made it to all the sites that I really wanted to see.

3:06 pm

I have so far been successful in doing absolutely nothing today. I haven't studied or packed or even left the house. I think I just have so much to do that I don't know where to start.
I did have a bit of a realization today though... I want to be working. Not just a part-time job to get by. I want a full-time job that I can get into and will work well to help me reach my long-term work goals. It's serious job search time!

Journal Entry July 17th 1:34 PM

July 17th 1:34 pm

I will admit I am becoming disenchanted with Barcelona. The first couple times a guy smiles at you and says hi are okay and even a bit flattering. I could even ignore the creepy store owner who basically asked me to go home with him. But today I felt like I was wearing a sign that read "Please stalk me and/or creep me out."

I was trying to finish sight-seeing and was headed to Palau Guell when a guy walked up to me and started propositioning me! I said no and walked away but he followed me halfway home! Then after I lost him I was whistled at, beckoned to, and showered by dirty comments (which unfortunately I know enough Spanish to understand). I don't know what it was about today, I'm wearing an outfit for the third time, I went to areas I've already been... I don't get it! But I skipped the last few sights and came back to the apartment, I must admit it has me a bit unsettled.

9:52 pm

I did more packing today, I'm trying to be reasonable and logical about it. I try to get rid of things I don't need or that are heavy but it's definately a challenge.
I'm stopping for dinner; an arugala, mozzerella, and ceasar salad with chicken soup and bread. Can I say awesome!? It's not very "Spanish" food but I like it and I actually have an appetite again (which may vanish this week with the stress) so I'm enjoying it.

Journal Entry July 16th 12:59 pm

12:59 pm

I´m terrified about the grammar test Wednesday. I may be the first person in the history of the course to fail the first test and every make up test! It´s funny how little English English-speakers really know.


12:05 am (technically the 17th)
It's technically Saturday morning but to me it's still Friday night. I have a full agenda this weekend (my last in Barcelona). I have a list of places I still have to visit, plus I need to finish my materials project and student profile. I also need to study for the exam, pack, and then find a way to weigh my luggage (they can't weigh more than 20 kilos, which is six pounds less than they allowed on the plane. So I have to lose 12 pounds worth or luggage! I've thrown away a few things but I also got new stuff too.

Journal Entry July 15 9:10 am

July 15th 9:10 am

It´s cloudy in Barcelona today, at home I wouldn´t even think twice about clouds but here I think this is only the second time I´ve seen it cloudy.

I have a million little things to do today, and the rest of the time I´m here as well. I feel much better though knowing that I have my ticket to France.

8:14 pm

Well I was supposed to teach today but the printer went crazy so now I teach twice on Monday. If I can survive Monday with my sanity I deserve a gold star!

On my way home today I passed a garbage bin full of dirt and had a funny thought. Every inch of this city has dirt beneath it but you would never know it. There are no yards and everything has a road, a bauilding, or sidewalk on it! I haven´t actually seen real dirt since we passed the park on Saturday! Who would have guessed I would miss dirt!?

Yet despite the lack of sightings my feet are constantly dirty here! Even after wearing tennis shoes all day. The sneaky stuff hides in corners and then clings to my feet. At home I can walk outside barefoot all day and my feet are still cleaner!

I stopped at the market today and got some basic food items. I decided to try gazpacho (the cold soup Dan likes) and really it tastes like tomato soup. Too bad I´m not a big fan of tomato.

I am a little sad today, not because of home sickness but because I realized something. I came all the way to Barcelona but the stupid high stuff followed me. Let me make it clear....

Dear World,

I don´t care who is dating whom, or who you think is a jerk, or even if so-and-so has aweful fashion sense!

Thank you.
Stacy

I barely talk to the people at school but I still hears tons of that stupid stuff. Haven´t people heard that if you can´t say anything nice you shouldn´t say anything at all!?

9:30 pm

Am I really too serious? Too high stress?

I always that I was calm, quiet, and collected. I really can´t help that I like reading, writing and studying more than drinking, dancing, and partying.

I can see phrases like shy, timid, introvert..... maybe even standoffish or OCD but I´m usually very low stress and am very happy and carefree about life.

I guess maybe it´s because I am most stressed and serious when I´m around other people. Crowds, noise, being the center of attention, and small talk are all things that I don´t like and don´t handle well so I suppose that might make me more serious or stressed.

I don´t want to be thought of as serious or stressed, but I also don´t want to pretend to be something that I am not.

Journal Entry July 14 5:58 pm

July 14th 5:58 pm

I didn´t teach today so it was a pleasantly short day, but I decided to get my ticket to France today so it was interesting. I tried to order it online but it was really difficult to understand. Instead of buying online and putting my card number out into the giant void that is the internet I went down to the Estacio de França. After some bad Spanish questions by me I got to the window I needed and bought a ticket to Toulouse for about half the price of what it was online.

The people here make a serious amount of money off of the tourists, they charge double for tickets if they are bought from the English link of the train company´s website and often the vendors will add made-up taxes to sales and fresh food sellers will charge you full price and give you old or bad produce.

I feel bad for Luna, she is not feeling well and she has a dance class she has to go to. She wore herself out cheering on Sunday night during the futbol match and now she is sick. Maybe it´s a good thing that I have been going to bed early.

Once again I have been debating if I should make myself stay here. I think I will ask everyone on facebook if there is anyone who really wants to come to Barcelona to stay with me. I really think I could handle it and maybe even enjoy it if I had someone else here to do things with and talk to.

I think maybe I will find a non-profit job to get some experience to put on my Grad school applications and pay off loans. I don´t like the idea of living so far from family but I think it´s what I need to do. It´s time for me to grow up, and I think coming to Barcelona has really helped prepare me for it.

Journal Entry July 13 8:36 pm

July 13th 8:36 pm

Sweat, flowers, perfume, onions, marajuana, urine, dirt, gasoline, soap, bread.

That was my walk home based on smell. I decided to entertain myself by trying to name all the things I could smell. A few were tricky and some were mixtures but it was fun. I even found someone with the same smell as my Grandma (I had to resist the urge to run up and hug the random person)!

It was a long day. I taught until 7:30 and then went to the supermarket, which apparently everyone else in the city did too). I´m really tired. Definately more tired than hungry, but I don´t want to waste the awesome salad I made.

I have a break tomorrow (I don´t teach) so I will try to get my train ticket tomorrow. I may also ask if anyone wants to go watch a movie (I found the theater)! Well, food time!

Journal July 12th 9:00 am

Just another manic Monday. No not really I just like that song. Although I did almost get runover this morning (I always forget that people park in the buildings)! 11 days until the course is done! That means I have 11 days to teach 4 classes, do the materials project and student profile, and get to any places I haven´t seen yet. It seems much shorter when I think about it that way.

If someone had asked me a couple months ago what I would be doing ow I know I wouldn´t have said counting down the days until I leave.

I just found out that morning class is cancelled! I should have expected this really, the night after Spain won the World Cup. So now everyone is just sitting around waiting ni the computer lab, we have to wait and see if we teach today.

I´m glad I didn´t go down to La Rambla, hearing my classmates talk about what happened, I think I would have been petrified!

Oh, the reason class is cancelled is because one of the trainer´s mother died :( (Open mouth and insert foot!) How sad. I wonder if it´s normal to feel sad for the loss of someone you don´t know at all and have only heard a tiny bit about... I think maybe I feel a bit too much... I feel happy for others and sad for them and angry for them...

4:02 pm

So far today has consisted of a surprise and two mistakes. The surprise was that I didn´t have class or have to teach so I had the whole day off. Mistake one was wearing my sexy new shoes for the walk to and from school (I have about 5 nes blisters and holes in my feet)! Mistake two was deciding to spend my surprise free day outside. I´m still recovering from Saturday´s sunburn, I clearly was not thinking. But the trip was amazing (possibly even worth stinging skin). I went up North toward Tibidabo to La Palau Reial de Pedralbes and El Monestir de Pedralbes, can you say gorgeous!?

I feel like I use the same adjectives over and over.... amazing, gorgeous, beautiful, wonderful, etc... but I mean it. If there were more incredibly fantastic adjectives to use I would rain them down on Barcelona like mana from heaven.

9:38 pm

Okay options time.....

Stay in Spain and work--pros--Spanish experience and travel opportunities
--cons-- lonely!, no job security, not applicable to Masters, not much money, no work in August

Go home and work in the US--pros--not lonely, some job security
--cons-- not applicable to Masters, no travel, no Spanish, missed opportunities

Go work in S.A.--pros-- Masters applicable, Spanish experience, travel opportunities
--cons-- lonely!, not much money, job security?

Peace Corps+Masters (and work)--pros-- travel opportunity, Masters, possible Spanish experience
--cons-- 2 years, lonely, may not get in

So there they are, my primary options... I was hoping writing them out would help but it really didn´t... it never does, it just organizes the chaos, but it´s still chaotic.

Journal Entry July 11th 5:15 pm

The World Cup Finals start at 8:30 and I have been debating all day about what I will be doing. People from class said they were planning on going to La Rambla but the combination of dread about the crowds and knowing I was only invited out of courteousness make me want to just stay home.

My roommates went to watch the game out of town and won´t be back until tomorrow so I could stay home and watch it in relative peace. I was hoping today would be a bit more exciting than it has been. I´ve spent most of the day arguing with myself.

It´s basically the same argument as usual. I don´t want to stay here, so far from home with no apartment or job security or friends, but I don´t want to go back to no job and no home either.

11:07 pm

It happened. Spain won the World Cup for the first time ever, while I was here! The horns are blowing, people are shouting, fireworks exploding... Tonight is going to be one giant party! I´m very happy but I must confess that I am very tired and have a headache! I´m probably the only person in Spain that wants to go to bed now. I´m glad I didn´t go to La Rambla, I´m a bit intimidated by the noise and crowds even now as I sit in my safe, semi-quiet apartment. Yay Spain! Good night.

Journal Entry July 10th 4:53 pm

I got up at 7 this morning (no alarm). I hung around the apartment for a while, then got ready and headed for the Arc de Triomf. We were supposed to meet at the Metro at 1, but I got there at 12:30 (which is good because I spent 20 minutes looking for the Metro station!).

We went down to Platya Barceloneta, the local beach. It was really busy, but the water felt wonderful. There is a substance in the sand there that sticks to your skin and floats in the water. It looks like someone sprayed everything with glitter. It was nice but I´m glad I left early because I can already feel the sunburn.

On my way home (in which I got hopelessly lost because I lost my map) I saw a girl get caught trying to pickpocket someone! The girl whose wallet she was trying to steal turned and slapped her and grabbed the wallet back!

I was going to go back to La Rambla in a bit but my sunburn is bad enough that I think I will stay in.

P.S. The Alimentario down the street finally got more apple juice! Yay!

8:15 pm

I took a nap to get back some of the energy that the sun zapped out of me. When I woke up my body was screaming, -Ow ow ow SUNBURN!- it´s good that I left when I did or I would be miserable.

Journal Entry July 9th 2:23 pm

It´s strange, I don´t know why but I keep expecting myself to become someone else. I know I won´t become a social butterfly. I know that certain people will still bother me. I will still want to help people but also want to make a decent living. I will still want to be challenged every day and crave knowledge and understanding.

This is me. Why do I want to be anyone else? That answer is actually quite simple. It´s lonely being me.

9:07 pm

Well I made myself meet up with some girls from class to go shopping... it was the most fun I have had so far! Tomorrow we are meeting at the Arc de Triomf and going to the beach. Then Sunday we are going to meet at La Rambla to watch the game.

I figured it out! I was trying to make friends with people my age but what I needed was to look for people at my maturity level. It was so nice to talk to and hang out with people with similar goals and values in life.

I felt I could be myself and relax. I bought shoes, a shirt, and a dress but more importantly I made real friends. I can now say whole-heartedly that this trip was worthwhile. :)

P.S. It´s good that I´ve been keeping on top of things because I am going to ignore homework this weekend and just have fun!

Journal Entry July 8th 8:10 pm

8:10 pm

Today I went to Casa Batllo, Casa Milá, La Sagrada Familia, and El Torre Agbar. My opinions are as follows:

Casa Batllo is mesmerizing, I could stare at it all day.
Casa Milá is really a maze of a museum inside and the views of the city from the rooftop were phenomenal!
La Sagrada Familia is Gaudi! (Yes pun is intended). Oh my gosh looking at it hurt my eyes, it was just too much!
Torre Agbar was pretty with its different colors but is actually much prettier from a distance.

Well class will be halfway done tomorrow. The second week has been much better than the first. Hopefully it just keeps getting better. everything from the first half of class is due Monday so I´m trying to have everything done today so I can print it tomorrow and not worry about it this weekend. Back to work.

P.S. I took the Metro today and didn´t get lost!

Journal Entry July 7th 9:50 am

Today´s juice is citricos. It´s kind of boring. It´s just orange and grapefruit juice, but it´s okay.

2:07 pm

Today´s topic of discussion, fittingly enough, is heat. Well weather in general really. People talk about how beautiful the weather in Spain is, they are right. Barcelona is the perfect place for a week-long beach filled vacation. However, after a while I noticed something... the weather never changes! I looked at the 10-day forecast for Barcelona.... Sunny and upper 80s every day. That is wonderful, if you are staying in a four or five star, air-conditioned, hotel. A lot of places here don´t have AC they just open up the windows. This would work well except there really is no breeze to speak of. Also the closest thing I have seen to rain is when someones balcony plants dripped water onto the street. The eternal forecast for Barcelona.... Sunny, 87 degrees no wind, no rain, no clouds even!

8:30 pm

Soccer time again. Spain vs. Germany. Normally I wouldn´t care but.... Go Spain!

10:22 pm Well they did it! Spain made it to the World Cup Finals (the first time ever)! They play the Netherlands on Sunday. I think I´m going to go watch it at the bar and get the full feeling of madness!

Journal Entry July 6th 9:00 am

Well I am 40 minutes early for class. It was partially intentional, I wanted to be here early enough to check my facebook. Alas I was thwarted in my efforts by a foor-foot-tall Colombian woman named Nancy. Nancy is the cleaning lady at the school, and for some reason she always starts her morning cleaning routine on the top floor (aka the computer lab).

9:00 pm

Well today´s lesson was by no means perfect but it was still miles better than last weeks! I feel bad because someone invited me to go to lunch and I said no because I was too busy freaking out about my lesson. I should have made myself go.

I guess I need to take babby steps on making myself go out and do more. I really do like the people in my class they are very helpful and sweet, it´s just hard because I always feel that if I´m invited somewhere it´s just because they are trying to make me feel included. I guess I just am not interesting enough to warrant my own invite (which I understand totally). I don´t think I shall ever be the life of the party, at least not that kind of party.

I get so tired of explaining that just about everything upsets my stomach. I must sound like such a whiner! No pop. No alcohol. No meat. No eating before Noon.

I wish everyone would just wear a shirt saying exactly who they are...

mine would read...

-Really picky eater
-Still believes in Prince Charming
-Small-town girl
-Wants to make a difference in the world
-Strong opinions yet very sensitive to others´opinions

I don´t want to pretend to be anything else.

Isn´t there anyone else like that in the world?!

Journal Entry July 5th 3:08 pm

3:08 pm July 5th

I didn't teach today so I'm done early. I would've been home sooner but I stayed and put pictures on facebook. Alex told Lisa about how I freaked out last week before I taught, so I guess the cat is out of the bag. I'm not sure if that's a good or bad, but now she knows I'm crazy.

So I mentioned before that people here don't wear shorts. That's not 100% correct. The guys here wear shorts that look basically the same as in the states. The women, however, wear dresses or (as one of my classmates dubbed them) "Hammer-pants." They look like a light curtain that somone turned into pants. They do look light-weight (which you need in this heat) but I don't think I could ever wear them.

It's funny everyone at school keeps talking about how little free-time we have, I only wish that were true. If it was true time would go faster than the sluggish pace it seems to be slowly trudging by at now. Well time to go make lunch, hurray for pasta (sans meat)!

Urg!!!! Oh irony! It happened again! I was making my pasta and figured I would look at the ingredients out of curiousity and it had pork in it! Why is everything here full of meat!? Looks like another day without solid food for me.

You may ask yourself (and would ask me if you were here) "couldn't she just go get more food?" Why yes! You are absolutely correct hypothetical person with your cleverly obvious question. I could go buy more food but I'm not hungry really, I've just been forcing myself to eat once a day so I don't pass out or something stupid. But it's not really worth the effort to go buy more food. I'll just wait and eat tomorrow.

7:30 pm

I'm back to the same question again. What am I doing here? I knew I didn't want to be an English teacher 2 years ago, that's why I changed majors. I guess the more important question (since I'm not going to let myself run away home) is what am I going to do at the end of class?

I will go visit Elea, but then what? Go home? I don't have a home. My apartment probably already has someone living in it. Yes I know my parents wouldn't make me be homeless but I'm nearly 24 years-old, at some point I need to stop depending on them. Plus they've worked hard, they deserve to have their own lives without me coming and begging for handouts.

I supposed I can substitute teach, work at the theater, and start paying back student loans. But how long will it be before I can afford grad school? I hate that I have to wait so long to do what seems like the next logical step in my life! I have been a responsible, frugal college student and yet I still can't afford life. I with it was possible to get an IR job with just a Bachelor's Degree.

10:30 pm

I feel like I have two politicians arguing in my head. They have the same refrain but opposing meanings. "Don't do something you will regret!", they both shout into my thoughts. One argues, "don't go home, make yourself stay after the class ends," while the other shoots back, "are you crazy!? You're miserable, why would you stay and throw away a year of your life?"

I must confess that the logical part of me that craves security, and a Graduate's Degree, and to be there for my family agrees with the second voice. I can travel abroad for conferences and resume builders like this class what's wrong with that? But that tiny What If?, that hides and whispers in my ear, says, "What if this is what you are meant to do? What if you are meant to meet the man of your dreams here? What if you go home and become an old (granted intellectual) spinster? What if you spend the rest of your life asking yourself 'What if'?"

What if........ man I hate those words!!!!

Journal Entry July 4th 2:03 pm

2:03 pm July 4th

It's strange, I didn't even realize it was the 4th of July until just now. Obviously, they don't celebrate it here, so there was no indication that at home families are getting together for picnics and barbaques. Here, it's the first Sunday of the month (which is kind of a holiday of its own) it's free museum admission day. I went to the Picasso Museum and then to Monjuic to the Museu Nacional D'Art Catalana. It was a lot of walking but it was nice out, so other than a little sunburn it was great.

7:57 pm

I made myself lunch a little after I got home, it was pasta (with no evil meaty surprises) it was so good and it felt wonderful to be full. I do understand why Spain has the siesta now. If you do anything in the morning, you come home and eat lunch then you are comfortably full, which combines with the fact that being out in the sun all morning has zapped your energy level and ta-da you just want to take a nap. So I do now, I have started taking a nap during the day which surprisingly doesn't make me any less tired when bedtime rolls around.

Back at home people are just getting into the swing of celebrating the 4th of July (it's only 2 pm there) with hot dogs, hamburgers, chips, pop, and lots of other unhealthy food. Swimming during the day, then popsicles as they dry off and get ready for the evening. Parents help their kids light their sparklers and then sit and smile as the kids run around drawing shapes in the air with them. Everyone decides where they will go for fireworks tonight, maybe the high school football field, or a church parking lot, maybe even out on the lake.

They will all gather with blankets and jackets and bug spray handy. And then the fun will begin, kids will jump at the first noise, a few car alarms may go off, a couple dogs will bark, then everything will grow quiet as everyone stares up in amazement at the exploding lights overhead. You can watch the colors reflect in the wide-eyes of the children. Even the parents sit silently, maybe because of the beauty of the fireworks, or maybe because it is the first moment of the day they haven't been chasing kids around. It's strange that large gunpowder-induced explosions can cause such peace.

All this will be happening as I crawl into bed and look toward another week of isolation. Try as I might to enjoy the experience or stay so busy I forget I'm lonely, the feeling always creeps up on me when I least expect it. It builds slowly when I pause for a second, or think of a movie reference that Lindsey would get a kick out of, or think about how much Abbi would love the bright colors of La Rambla, by the end of the day I just have to stop thinking altogether or it overwhelms me.

All the little things from during the day seem to catch up with me at night. Maybe that's why the people of Barcelona don't go to bed until 3 or 4 in the morning. If you stay moving around and preoccupied you can ignore the problems you have, and hope that you will be exhausted enough that you will collapse into bed when you get home before the problems find their way back through the alcohol and loud music reverberating in your head and catch you off-guard.

Journal Entry 2:01 pm July 3rd

2:01 pm July 3rd

I went down to La Rambla again today. I got orange/papaya zuma, which was not as good as the other 2 I had last time. I went and bought a couple of the gorgeous dresses that everyone here wears. I didn't get to "Las Casas" or buy anyone gifts yet but I still have plenty of time.

My time in Barcelona is a quarter of the way done and I'm not sure if that makes me happy or sad. I am actually starting to enjoy myself here. I've made a few friends in class, they were really nice when they heard that I was homesick. But despite their kindness, I still have an extremely strong desire to just get a taxi to the airport and get on the next plane home.

Well I guess I can cross clothes-shopping off my list because I kind of did that today. Although I didn't get a purse. But I think maybe I won't get a new one, just to save space with what I'm carrying. I think I'm going to get rid of a few things so I have room for the things I buy.

Journal Entry 9:45 AM July 2nd

9:45 am July 2nd

So today's juice is Mediterraneo. It has orange, lemon, peach, pineapple, carrot, maracuya,and acerola. I'm not sure what they all mean so I'm going to have to go look them up.

3:30 ish

We all decided to go to Sitges (a beach outside Barcelona) today after class. It's really wonderful here although it's still very busy and quite tourist-y. I think because of the limited amount of waterfront (compared to the U.S.) it would be hard to find any real quiet, secluded beaches.
I know I sound very type A but now I'm going to have to reorganize my schedule so I can still get to the "Casas." But for now I'm just going to enjoy the beach and worry about that later.

5:10 pm

The beach is beautiful and I even got up the courage to move away from the group and try going topless a bit. It's wonderful actually, it's a very relaxed and free feeling. I just didn't want to make everyone else in the group feel awkward. It's funny because I can tell who is used to it and who isn't. Every time Brits or Americans walk by I hear them say something, but the locals ignore it. It's comfortable and the feeling of it being okay and accepted was very calming. They don't care that a half-naked American is lying on their beach. Naptime!

I walked down the beach after I woke up and went to the church and pier down a ways. I also bought a photograph print of a pretty building in Sitges (E5)! The man who sold it to me explained that it's his original work and that he only has 100 pictures and I bought #2. He explained it all in Spanish and I understood it!

11:05 pm

We left the beach a little after 7 and headed back toward the train station. We stopped at a bar and had tapas. I tried a couple (Yay for solid food) even though I know the egg would do murder to my stomach. It was actually a lot of fun. I think the best parts of the day were on the way home though. On the train back to town I saw houses right on the ledge over the water, the view was so incredible! If I lived there I would never leave home. The other great part was actually walking home (instead of taking the Metro I walk) for two reasons. First, the city is so incredible and alive at night, not like at home where everything is silent after 7 pm. Second, I know my way around! It's the area of town I have actually been in quite a lot, and I knew where everything was and where I was going.

Also going to the beach instead of "Las Casas" didn't throw my plans off too much. I think I can go tomorrow when I go back to "La Rambla."

I might have to do a little shopping tomorrow too because my purse ripped-out again.

*add to my to do list: Try morning bread products (take pics)

July 1 2010 9:20 am

9:20 am July 1st

Today's morning juice is called Pacifico. It has apple, kiwi, orange, and lime juice in it. I prefer it more than yesterday's but I think I will keep searching for a favorite.

2:10 pm

I can't do it! I can't I can't I can't! I can't pretend I'm okay. I can't pretend I'm happy here. I can't pretend I want to do this anymore. I love to learn the grammar, the styles of teaching, the most effective means of instruction. But I can't do it. I would I intentionally make myself so unhappy that I'm sick!? Whay would I put myself through it when I know this isn't what I want to do? I'm trying to stretch myself adn force myself to grow but this is too much! I simply can't be what I am not.

5:04 pm

Today was one of those "off" days. I hate those days! I couldn't think, I couldn't eat; I'm a bit surprised I could breathe really. It was almost an out-of-body experience. I think everyone has that sometimes. Maybe every now and then a person should be alotted a day off for that kind of day, just like a sick day. I could have definately used one today.

6:20 pm

I'm sitting in Parc de L'Espanya Industrial now just wasting time and taking pictures. I went to the Parc Joan Miro after class; it looks more Egyptian that Spanish there (it's all sand). This park is actually quite beautiful; they tried a bit too hard maybe (with the alien like towers, the Grecian pools, and the giant iron dragon) but the breeze is heaven!

I'm sitting in the shade by a fountain. It smells funny and I'm sure the water is really dirty but I can't resist putting my feet in. Also sitting down-wind from the fountain I get a faint mist like I was standing in an alcove behind a waterfall.

I'm going to head to the Magic Fountains in a little while. Our instructor, Jane, says they have a really pretty show there tonight, anything to pass time I guess.

Tomorrow (if I don't forget my map again) I'm planning to go to "Las Casas". These are the funny-looking houses designed by famous architects (they are all in one area). That are just North of La Rambla I think so depending on time I may go down to La Boqueria again. Maybe I will ask people tomorrow if they want to go with me, anything is better than to be alone.

7:32 pm

So I found the Font Magica, it's actually right in front of Monjuic (which really isn't a "Mount" it's just the biggest hill in the city). Now I know where it is for when I come here later. Also I have to remember that the food here is very expensive so I need to bring food or eat before I come. It's very touristy, unfortunately, so I have to watch my purse. Still it's very pretty and I'm hoping I might find a little peace and quiet on the trails.

I've decided to make myself a list of things I have to do while I'm here. I've already pushed myself a lot just by coming here and staying in a strange place but I have plenty of other ways I need to improve. So here is what I have so far:

-Try Paella
-Eat at a local bar/restaurant
-Order something in Spanish (No cheating i.e. Spanglish)
-Invite people from class to do something
-Make an actual friend (not just polite conversation)
-Go gift shopping
-Be extravagant; once (Not tons, but I'm in Spain for goodness sake!)
-Clothes shop, at least a little bit
-Talk to someone in Spanish (again, no cheating)

I'm sure I will think of more, but that's all for now (and although to most people it doesn't seem like much for me these are some serious challenges).

I still don't think I will stay beyond the month (for money reasons) but I will stay until then. I have to! I can't let myself leave, and go home, back to living in a shell. I need to make myself stay, be uncomfortable, grow....

Journal Entry Midnight June 30th

June 30 12:00 Midnight

I'm not really sure if Midnight is technically Tuesday still or Wednesday but I decided I would go with Wednesday because most of the writing will occur after 12.

Thank goodness for kind and loving people who are willing to be there for me and help me. Today has been a very hard day for me. I spent a fair amount of it crying and being sick and then crying a bit more. At times like this I am reminded of a fact I constantly try to reassure myself of, there really are good people in the world that will take time and effort out of what they are doing just to make you feel better. I love that kind of people! That is the kind of person I aspire to be. There are not many of these wonderful generous people in the world, which makes me treasure them even more. So thank you wonderful people for sharing your time and kind words with me that help to carry me through this difficult time.

It is thanks to these people that I have decided to continue and finish my class. A month is a long time but I need to do it to show my appreciation to them and to show myself that I really can do it. I know that I am not a very loud person, and although my body may be strong and solid my personality is much softer and more frail. I know who I am and I like that person, but sometimes I get frustrated with myself for not being more outgoing or social. But this is what I am and there are beautiful people who love me as I am and don't want me to change to make them happy. I want to prove that even people that would much rather be at home with the ones they love can survive in the "real" world, and although I may never be a globe-trotting citizen of the world, I will make an effort to try to understand and appreciate other people and where they come from.

Who knows, maybe I can change a few minds about Americans. Maybe I can show a few people that there is more depth, warmth, and definition behind Americans than just gun-carrying, cursing hillbillies that don't care about the rest of the world (and I have asked, that is what they hear about us). I have learned that getting angry at people for how Americans are perceived just increasing the stereotypes, instead we should really try to understand where these ideas came from and discuss the accuracy or miscalculation involved in the production of these stereotypes.

9:20 am

They wash the streets of Barcelona every day. Taking care of the sidewalk outside of your door here is like keeping your lawn neat and trimmed at home. The city has trucks that come and wash it down at night. Then in the morning all the shopkeepers sweep their little area of the sidewalk. It makes sense really because dogs go to the bathroom on them and people toss their garbage on them too.

It's hard to believe that anyone in Barcelona owns and uses a full-sized car. Between public bikes, buses, taxis, walking, trains, and the Metro I can't see there being a lot of need for cars. I understand if people need to move things or something but to go to work it's faster to not have a car.

I've also noticed a lot of people here carry a carry-on bag everywhere. I think it may be used for a breifcase, it would be better for a person's shoulders than carrying a really heavy breifcase I guess.

The leggings trend is alive and well in Europe even though it is dying down and fading out in the states.

Lunch time

I realized that I haven't really talked about food much here, that is partly because I haven't been eating much, but it does deserve mentioning. Most people here have some type of bread in the morning for breakfast, it's a bit like a doughnut. I usually just have juice or tea in the morning.

The only real meals I have tried here were attempts to make myself eat when I didn't want to and they were horrible failures. I tried to make myself eat perogies that I found at the market, but they were made with carmelized garlic and goat cheese and made me really sick. So I waited a couple days and just had juice to let my stomach resettle a bit. Today I tried again. I got Tortellini, which sounded good actually, it was made with Venetian Salsa and French cheese so I was really excited about it. I took a big bite, swallowed, and then after a slight pause ran to the bathroom. They were filled with pork! Really fattening salty horrible pork! That was the first time I have had pork in about 10 years and my stomach reminded me of why I stay away from it.

There are a few things that I have found that I like. I love the different juice boxes that they sell at my school the one I had today was watermelon and musk melon, and although it wasn't my favorite it was at least a familiar taste and didn't make me sick. Also there is a store called Alimentacio de Buddha just down the street from my apartment and on my way home from class I stop there and get a strawberry or lime popsicle, they are just simple fruit-flavored frozen sugar but they feel wonderful when I'm really hot and my stomach is empty but I'm too wary to get real food. So juice, popsicles, and the fruit I bought at La Boqueria are what I'm living off of but it's okay because I know I am okay with those and at least it's something, for a while I had nothing at all.

8:05 pm

There's a decent breeze tonight. If I sit on my bed with my eyes closed I feel just like I used to when I rode my bike down the hill in the backyard. The wind blows my hair back and pushes at my eyelids. And if I breathe in the breeze I can smell that it will rain soon. Just like at home I can smell it in the air, but here it mixes with the scent of the Mediterranean and with the dinner smells from neighboring apartments. In the end the mixture is a bit disappointing, it ends up smelling like soggy salted-ham.

But if I close my eyes and just breathe, feel, and hear, for a split second I don't notice the differences. For a second I'm home on the hill on my bike with the birds singing, the wind blowing, and the storm rolling in.

It's the same warm feeling I get every morning just as I wake up. I feel, home. Then I open my eyes and am again bombarded by the wonderful, frightening, alien environment around me. Like another planet... Houston... we have a problem....