Journal Entry June 29th 9:42 am

9:42 am

We still haven´t started a class on time yet. Ah... Barcelona time, such a mystery to my American mind.

4:54 pm

Today we learned a little Catalan, it was interesting and I really enjoyed it. We began out study of English grammar today, some people are quite scared but I think I will be okay. I´m actually dreading our teaching practice much more. We have to actually lead classes soon. :(

It was one thing to jokingly teach my classmates how to ¨speak Michigan¨(which apparently sounds like a Kentucky pirate with a cold) but to really have materials that need to be used and lessons to follow is different.

I think I would rather learn languages than teach them. I want to be a life-long-learner not a life-long-teacher.

7:22 pm

All those years that I tried to get thinner and I found the answer here in Barcelona! It´s easy really, simply make me unhappy and I lose all interest in food. I´m quite sure that I´ve lost several pounds already, nothing sounds good. I have had one real meal since I got here and it made me sick, so that´s not a real incentive to eat. I´m going to make myself go to the store and get something because walking home from class I got very shaky and dizzy.

Journal Entry June 28th 8:58 pm

First day of class and I´m the first one here (I´m a half-hour early). It was kind of an accident, I had wanted to be sure I wasn´t late so I left around 8:30. I certainly wasn´t late. I really hope they do have computers for us to use like Dan said because I don´t like having to borrow his or Luna´s all the time.

The teacher said there´s a cafe on the top floor, that sounds promising. So far I´ve seen 3 people from the class; a girl my age, an older guy, and an older woman (probably in their 40s). They are from Miami, San Francisco and Davis (which is apparently near San Francisco). I feel like an eskimo being from Michigan.

It´s now 9:30 and we haven´t started yet, Barcelona time is going to take a while to get used to. Haha The girl my age just graduated college with a political science major!

Wow, the rest of the class just walked in, mostly white women, big shock right!?

The girl (Gillian) and the woman (Laura) from earlier are both basically doing the course to bulk up their credentials, I feel a little less guilty about taking the class and then leaving.

1:11 pm

Well it´s lunch time so I figured I would write for a bit. A lot of the people in the course are trying to decide if they want to teach or not, so I´m not alone in that aspect. However, I do feel that I´m the quietest one, which I could have guessed would happen. I guess wallflowers don´t really do this sort of thing. But I´m not really a wallflower, more like a wallweed. I really don´t add to the decor and I feel much more in the way than like some pretty decoration on the wall. I guess some people are made to be in the limelight but that´s just not for me.

Give me a quiet home with lots of books and music and occassional visitors and I would be happy as can be.

I came here hoping to rid myself of some of my fears and doubts but all I´ve really done is bring them forward and solidify them. I don´t want to live in ignorance or naivety but I do want to live where I am comfortable and at home. I feel that the people here came to be tourists; to go to the beach and build up their credentials at the same time. I don´t want to be like that. I want to learn, to really get to know the place, to learn how the people think and feel and live. I want to gain real value and insight, although a resume boost wouldn´t hurt either.

What do the rest of the world´s ¨wall-weeds¨do?

It´s strange, I´ve gone without seeing my family for more than a month before but this is different. They were always within reach when I needed them, but more importantly, I was there for them.

It is often said that the most important things in life really aren´t things at all. It´s true, the most important things are relationships, and right now I want to be with those people with whom I have meaningful relationships. I want to be home.
6:10 pm

I hope Elea and Dad both get my messages soon. I explained to Dad that I plan to finish the course, go visit Elea, and then go home. On the same note, I wrote to Elea asking her to check with her parents and make sure it will be okay for me to visit.

I think I'm more likely to cry when I see her than when we say goodbye. It would be out of relief at seeing a familiar face.

It's strange, at home I'm kind of a loner, but when I leave I want someone with me. I wish I could have made Lindsey come with me or something.

Did I mention my class looks like an ad for Abercrombie & Fitch? All skinny white girls that convinced their parents to pay for their Barcelona vacation on the pretense of it being educational. Am I like that? Obviously not the skinny part, but the rest? I know I'm spoiled but is that what people see when they look at me?

8:34 pm

Random thoughts....

-Nearly everyone here smokes
-I don't think I will use the metro at all, the walking is beautiful!
-Everyone here is skinny (this may be due to the smoking and the walking)
-Tapas are moslty seafood here; garlic fish, squid rings, a kind of tuna casserole etc... but the potatoes and sauce was good, the pa amb tomaquet (toast topped with tomato juice and olive oil) was not as good as I had hoped it would be.
-I hope we can do some stuff together after our class sessions, I'm not big on bars or clubs, but walking to the beach would be cool. (Anything is better than sitting and feeling lonely).

Journal Entry June 27th 12:26 am

12:26 am

So what do I do? I'm lonely. I can't say I've ever been really truly lonely before. I usually enjoy my time alone. But now, I just want to pack my bags and say, "Well that was a fun weekend adventure, time to go home now." I already paid for the class and the apartment for the month, so I will stay for that. I promised Elea I would visit her, and so I will. But I think, maybe, after that, I want to go home. I'm halfway hoping I can't find a job after my program ends. I can still put the program on a resume or graduate school application.

What was I thinking? A wallflower is still a wallflower in Spain. I hate that I have no friends or family here. Maybe I will make friends with the people in my class, but in a month they will all go their seperate ways. Why does life feel like just one big series of heart-breaking goodbyes?

12:02 pm

I now understand what Mette was talking about when we were discussing differences between Europe and the U.S. She said people don't help cook meals in Europe, usually only 1 person cooks. That's because there is only room for 1 person in their kitchens. It is so small. It's sad though because I think some of my fondest memories are in the kitchen. Easter eggs, Christmas cookies, hard candy, cooking parties, candy bread, crepes, bread, queche, creme brule, ham and potatoes... It's funny, I don't even like half of those things and some (candy bread) were absolute disasters but I love the memories that go with the cooking; talking, teasing, laughing.

3:00 pm

I'm very confused. I love this city, it is so beautiful. (Even now I can hear a street performer wailing away playing jazz on his saxophone). It is full of life and culture and people. I think it is hard to be here and have no one to share it with, so I really hope I can make a few friends in the course. I'm afraid they will all be very outgoing, forward people, (which makes the most sense for this course) which is okay but I don't really make friends with that kind of people easily. Maybe it will be the sort of thing where since we are all in the same somewhat odd circumstance we will bond through that. Well I will keep my fingers crossed.

3:55 pm

Luna and Dan both left (she is going dancing and he is going to watch the football game). I think this will be the first time I´ve been alone in the apartment for more than 5 minutes. I like it. I feel more comfortable walking around when I don´t have to worry about getting in their way.

Journal Entry June 26th 5:23 pm

5:23 pm 26th?

I think it's the 26th but I'm not sure. With no school or work to keep me on track and wierd sleeping patterns to really confuse me I don't even know what day it is!

It is the day I finally found my school. The day I walked down Las Ramblas. It took me only 15 minutes to get to the school today. After that I walked down La Gran Via De Les Cortes Catalanes until I came to La Rambla. The guidebooks are right it is the place where all the tourists are. I heard Chinese, Italian, German, and English (both American and British) mixed in among the Spanish and Catalan. There are different sections on La Rambla; the performers, the artists, the bird and rat sellers, the cheap tourist junk, etc...

I think my favorite part was La Boqueria (Mercat de St Josep) it was wonderful! So much noise! So many people! So many stalls!

I bought Zuma (which is apparently fresh fruit juice) I tried strawberry/orange and strawberry banana they were both phenomenal. I also bought a container of freshly cut fruit (strawberries/melons/kiwis) just like the ones I got in Mexico when I went to visit Ana.

I also found some stuff I would never be caught eating; eel, squid, snails, clams, oysters, and (worst of all) pig's head! The candy stalls helped to make up for the aweful sights and smells of the meat. It was so bright and colorful and sugar-coated; it looked like something out of a child's fantasy. Next time I go I think I will have to try some.

So I was thinking.... legally I can only stay in Spain for 3 months on my visitor's visa. What if I stay here right to the latter end of the second month and then go to France for 3 months!? Then maybe Germany or Italy!? I could turn my year in Spain into a personal mini-European tour. I can work and live in each country for a while and get to know each place and its people before I move on. I'm not sure my parents will like the idea much but I do! I guess I will decide based on job opportunities and rent options here.

9:03 pm

I've decided that I am going to try and make myself a little more brave everytime I go out. So first I went in the Buddha store down the street and bought a drink, today I did that and went to the market. I think next I will either go to the supermarket or the Brasilian Cafe at the end of the road. I want to make myself get over my silly fears and really start living.

P.S. I think the baby a couple apartments down took his first steps today! It was beautiful to hear his grunts and failed attempts followed by the cheers of his whole family. (It was almost as loud as the tumult yesterday during the Futbol Soccer match).

Journal Entry June 25th 11:51 am

June 25th 11:51 am (BT)

I spent nearly all of yesterday sleeping. I now understand the definition of jetlag on a personal level. I slept most of the day and a solid 7 hours at night too.

Since I spent most of yesterday in bed I decided today would be my walking day. I left at around 9:30 in hopes of finding my school, I think I got most of the way there but I never found it. I started to get weak and dizzy so I headed back to the apartment.

On the way back I was "brave" and went into a store and bought gatorade. Now I at least have a bottle for water. So I spent the first two hours today walking and now my body wants to spend the next couple sleeping again! I just may, since my internet still won't work and I still have no food. (Thank goodness I brought those granola bars!)

2:39 pm (After nap)

So I tried to dress "not American" this morning as much as I could. It didn't work! I still stuck out and had people looking at me a lot.

Europeans really wear very subdued neutral colors and nobody was wearing shorts even though the temperature is in the 80s! Even when I dressed simple and subdued it wasn't nearly enough. Also I don't know about other European cities but in Barcelona the people are very friendly and helpful.

I wish I had a high-budget film crew like they do on the Travel Channel shows. It would be really cool to have a hidden camera and walk through the city. If you just walk around you are bombarded by everything; the sights, the smells, the sounds.

People hang their laundry off their balconies here to let it dry, some people might find it unsightly or embarrassing but to me the colors floating in the breeze just add to the beauty and charm of the city. The smells are very different from home too. I smell the breeze and the neighbors cooking bacon or ham for lunch. Someone hangs their clothes to dry and it adds a gentle scent of detergent into the air. Luna washes the dishes and it leaves the faint smell of mint (from the soap) it's fascinating really.

Now for the sounds..... where to begin? A nearby neighbor has a baby, yes it cries a lot, but it's beautiful to hear the parents talking to and playing with him. The sound of people just going through their daily lives with no idea that they are being listened to. There are dogs that bark, radios, tvs, talking, laughing, and tonight there is cheering (Spain plays in the World Cup tonight). These sounds are all just from in my room. If I go outside there are new ones. On the streets you hear cars, construction, and shopkeepers and passersby calling out hello to one another. Even now I hear church bells.

These are very different sounds, smells and sights from at home. At home you hear the wind through the leaves, the birds calling back and forth, the dogs barking as they chase the birds, a distant train whistle, the low moo of the cows at the farm down the road. The smells at the house are equally different. You smell smoke just before the smoke detector goes off to say that dinner is ready, shampoo scents float down the hallway from the bathroom, and occassionally the smell of wet dogs when they come in after it rains. The sights at home are like from a different world than here. Deer in the tall grass watch the house curiously while rabbits sneak in to eat Dad's garden, trees waving in the wind, a cat or two wandering aimlessly across the lawn.

One funny thing I noticed is that despite Barcelona's size and population nobody seems to be in a hurry. People meander about, talking and smiling as they go. Compared to the people of Barcelona those in Chicago and New York practically run everywhere they go.

7:32pm

I finally met Dan my other roommate. He is very nice as well. He is British. He said he has been here for a year and a half now. He took the course I am taking and has been teaching since then. It's really cool to hear of someone doing what I hope to be doing, it is even more cool that I live with him.

Journal Entry June 24th 12:08 pm

Well I made it! I'm here and alive. I got my luggage and found Mette (who was really nice and helpful, and spoke very good English) got to my apartment and put away part of my stuff. I made the mistake of laying down on the bed though.... I am so exhausted! I think it's a combination of nerves and just not enough sleep. I slept maybe an hour on the plane and only a few hours each of the last couple nights before that. I met Dan's girlfriend when I got here, she seems very sweet. She gave me a couple of big old skeleton keys (one for the inner door and one for the outer door). I didn't even ask her name :( I feel bad but I'm just so disoriented, jet-lag is real)!

I have my own bedroom, it's small but nice and has a couple tall skinny door/windows that open to the alleyway and let in a little breeze (which will be perfect at night). I actually also have my own bathroom/s, it's kind of strange, I have my own little toilet in a closet and then I have a different closet with a little sink and shower in it. I am hoping to be able to put up pictures of it on my blog, as well as facebook.

I think this would be easier if I had a different personality. When your personality profile is quiet/hermit/wallflower/perfectionist/self-conscience it is probably a lot harder to act impulsively and radically, than if you were an outgoing/party animal/confident person. I'm both nervous and excited for class to start. I love to learn (especially about people, languages, and cultures) but it will be hard to make myself be outgoing and let myself make mistakes.

I hope Mom and Dad got in okay. I need to ask for the password for the internet so I can just put on there that I got in okay so they know.

8:33 pm (BT)

Luna is her name; just like the street just a little way down. Luna gave me a map of the city and said she would help show me where things are. However, being who I am, I plan to get up tomorrow morning by myself and go find my way to the school. It's not as crazy as it sounds, I found the apartment and the school on the map already. Plus I have the whole day so if I get lost that's okay too. There's actually a market on the way so I may stop there to get something to eat. Then I plan to go site-seeing. If I go down the street my school is on (Gran Via De Les Corts Catalanes) I can go see the University of Barcelona then if I go a bit beyond that I will be on Las Ramblas where a lot of the cool cathedrals, castles, markets, and government buildings are located.

I wish my internet would work. I don't like that I can't tell Mom and Dad that I made it here okay. I will have to look for an internet cafe nearby or something. In the mean time I will continue troubleshooting.

P.S. I think I fried my I-Pod player, it buzzed and made sparks when I tried to plug it in!

Journal Entry June 23rd 11:11 am

11:11 am

Well I am through baggage checking and security and now I'm sitting just inside the international terminal gates drinking a latte and trying not to be nervous. I made it, I said goodbye without crying; although I think that is just because I was too nervous and scared to be sad. I'm guessing that when I get to my apartment and all the stress starts to level out I will laugh, cry, jump, scream, cower in terror, and every other emotion that has been hiding inside me will come out. I will have to make myself sleep on the plane from New York so that I can be up and functioning at 8:45 am when we land (that's 2:45 am Michigan time!) so that I can get where I need to go and then collapse onto my bed in relief.

Everybody has been so sweet and helpful and supportive. I'm not sure it helps now but I think in a month when I'm feeling homesick it will help me feel a little better.

I should probably go look and see if they have assigned my flight to a gate yet, the reason I am sitting at the terminal entrance is because I was early so the flight hadn't been assigned a gate number yet. I still have about an hour and ten minutes until I leave but I would rather be ready early than running late. It's strange I never really thought that I would become the person that is always on time and on top of things. I was always the relaxed person that goes with the flow. I guess I still am for the most part, but when I'm stressed or stuff is important I just want to make sure I'm as prepared as possible. Listen to me attempting to explain away my OCD to myself! I really am crazy! haha

Well I'm signing off probably until I get to New York, so fingers crossed, I think I'm ready for this, I think I really need to do it.... I think it's too late now!

12:10 pm

Okay I lied. I'm too nervous to keep from writing. I just have to remember that I can't sleep now, I have to wait for my next flight. They just said our flight is super full ( we just boarded and are waiting for everyone else to get on). I'm hoping the nerves will diminish by the second flight, I keep having horrible daydreams about things that could go wrong, which is funny because I've never felt like this before a flight, until now. I have to remember to tell Mom and Dad that my carry-on was fine and people were shoving much bigger ones into the overhead storage bins. Well it's almost time to leave so I guess I will put away the writing and just daydram about horrible plane crashes :(

4:37 pm

Well I'm in New York City, it's strange to be in NYC and only see a passing glance of the skyline from the plane. I did get a couple pictures from the plane, but I don't know how well they turned out. I hope Mom ande Dad got on their flight okay. I figured out they will actually get to Spain before I do because their layover flight to Madrid will get there at 7:30 tomorrow morning and I won't get there until 8:45 am!

Journal Entry June 20th 5:14 am

I got up before the sun did today. The good news is the generator is still running, the bad news is that I still need it. A bad storm two days ago came in and swept trees up and hurled them across our driveway and onto the electric wires. We have had no power for two days, I don't think that's such a big deal but my car is at the top of the driveway and I can't get it out so I really can't go anywhere until it is all cleared up. This leaves me with a lot of time to sit and think. I make myself twice as many to do lists and get distracted twice as often.

With only three days left until I leave I really can't tell how I feel right now. I decided not to go to Grand Rapids for Father's Day. It was a hard decision but I think it would have made it much more difficult for me to leave. Lindsey is right it could be the last time I ever see some of those people, but I can't think like that, I guess I just don't have it in me.

Mom and Dad went up north though so it has been a pretty quiet couple days. Jollene moved out Friday and has stopped by to check up on the cat, but other than that no unexpected visitors. I guess it is a good thing that I get this time on my own now, I know most people have a tendency to avoid people and push them away when they won't see them for a long time. I really don't want to do that, I know how much it hurts.

Well I think I will go practice violin, I still can't decide if I should bring it with me. I told everyone that I'm just not that passionate about it, well that's not true I just have a different passion than most, I don't want to have perfect form, I just want to play for hours every day and enjoy it. Maybe it's selfish, but I don't want to share it with anyone. I tend to be a pretty unselfish person so maybe this is my one area where I can allow myself a little. I just want to do something for me.

It's funny because I've always been okay doing things for other people and to help others. I'm not sure that I like this new stage of life where everything reverts back to "all about me" like when I was a small child and had no idea the world didn't revolve around me. Well I'm much older now and I know that life on Earth would barely change if I were not here, so I need to find a way to make a difference.

Journal Entry June 13th 6:20 pm

Well only 9 days until I leave and I will be gone the next 2 in Kalamazoo and probably next weekend I will be in Grand Rapids for Father's Day.

Trying to switch to 6 hours later is really wierd for my body too. Going to bed at 9:30 PM seems nuts but I really need to start shifting since I will only have a couple days in Barcelona before my class starts.

Elea keeps talking about how leaving everyone here is the hardest thing that she has ever done. That is the last thing I want to hear right now as I'm getting ready to leave for a year and meet friends that I may likely never meet again. I just wish there was some way to feel a little more secure and stable about this coming year. I don't know where I will be or what I will be doing.

It's crazy just how up in the air it is. I still can't believe that it's me doing it. I'm the last person in the family most people would have guessed would move impulsively to Spain. I've never really acted on an impulse before especially not anything of this magnitude.

What the heck am I doing!? I'm not ready for this! I guess I really am all grown-up now living on my own and fending for myself. Well ready or not here I come!

Journal Entry June 9 10:08 AM

Time for some observations...

I own very little, my home and car belong to my parents. I own clothes, a blanket, and a few other small things.

I am a bit of a hermit (this could be very detrimental in Spain).

I am scared (every time I think about leaving my heart starts racing).

I am an organized slob (each pile on my floor has a label over it so I know what it is).

I have attachment issues (I tend to make friends with people that I know will be leaving soon).

I need bigger suitcases (even after getting rid of stuff and packing a lot away I still can't fit everything in my two suitcases).

I have A.D.D. (I really should be doing a million other things right now besides writing this).

I am crazy for leaving (I know me, my personality doesn't work well with change, and this is going to be some serious change)!

I have horrible stage-fright (when I'm on stage I feel like I'm baring my soul to the world and I hate that feeling).

In 13 days 22 hours and 38 minutes from I will be in Barcelona.

Journal Entry June 7 9:28 AM

Yesterday was a super busy day, the highlights were Jollene and Elea's graduation and the "lowlight" was me making an idiot out of myself playing violin at church. Mom and Dad threw a big party it was a Jollene's graduation, Elea's departure, Mom and Dad's survival party. It was a lot of fun, lots of relatives came down and I was happy to see that a lot of Elea's friends came too (she is always worried that people don't really like her, this was proof that I was right and she worries too much). Also Al and Lisa came and Jon too. Jon has grown even taller and covered himself with more tattoos. (Why is it that his tattoos seem stupid to me but mine I am totally okay with?)

I guess Jenny didn't know about Spain. I figured that I had mentioned it or Mom had, but apparently not.

Everyone keeps asking if I'm excited about Spain and the instant answer is "of course" followed by a mental addition of "and petrified." My stupid nerves always catch up with me. It sounds like something out of someone else's life. It's hard to believe that it is me explaining to people, "Well I will take a month-long class to become certified to teach English as a foreign language, while I do that I will be looking for a job in the Barcelona area." Wow that's me! That's what I will be doing in a couple weeks!

Dad mentioned to Elea that she only had 9 days left (man did that get her depressed) it made me sad and then I remembered that if she has 9 days then I only have 17 left! And that was yesterday so really I only have 16 days. Wow it feels like just a couple days ago I was saying," only 2 months 3 weeks 4 days 3 hours and 19 minutes." haha Well now the numbers stand at 16 days 2 hours. I know it's going to fly by too because this weekend we will leave Saturday for the race, get back to K-zoo Sunday, stay with Elea in K-zoo Sunday and Monday and then take her to the airport on Tuesday (where I will then proceed to ball my eyes out). Then one week of packing and checking details, toss in Father's day, and ta-da it will be time to leave.