Journal Entry April 29th 12:42 AM

It's technically Thursday the 29th but my mind is very much focused on Wednesday's happenings. I finished my undergrad classes and my last undergrad final (which I think I aced!) and I moved out of my apartment. As I put on my facebook status, "who knew it would be so hard to say goodbye to an empty room?"

End chapter.

That's it, I'm done with my undergrad studies. If I go back to school it will be as a graduate! Dad says I'm now in the elite 1% of the world's population that has a Bachelor's Degree. I hate the word elite, it has unfortunately grown synonymous with superior. Does it mean I have a superiority complex if I want to go on and get my Master's Degree? I don't want to get it to prove I'm better, I want to get it because I feel like I still have so much left to learn.

Someone (I think Jenny) suggested I write a blog while in Spain and I think I may. However, I've always thought bloggers are people that are really full of themselves and I really don't want to be like that. Maybe I already am?! (I write this to myself, in a journal about myself, for myself). It's true I'm an ego-maniac!

Journal Entry April 26th 10:22 PM

Well it's almost Tuesday. It's wierd but I feel like my doom and my salvation are both waiting at the end of the week. I realized yesterday that when the beginning of July rolls around nobody living in the house now will be here. Elea will have left, mom and dad will be visiting her in France, Jollene will have moved out, and I will be in Spain. My parents are downstairs watching tv and when I hear them laughing I realize that is the kind of thing I will miss the most, their laughter, their voices, their comfort and warmth.

I don't feel ready for this, but I think if I waited and prepared for 5 years I still wouldn't be ready to leave everything I've ever known and loved behind.

Journal Entry April 25th 11:06 PM

I work again tomorrow so I should preobably be asleep already, but for some reason I feel like I should write tonight. I realized today just how much I will miss Elea when she leaves. She will be leaving to go back to Fance around when I leave for Spain. We have grown close this year even though I've been living two hours away. I know it has been a hard year for her because she and Jollene don't get along. Having her here this year has made life a little easier for my parents, who are getting ready to moe and preparing for the last of the kids to move out. They have been parenting for 26 years I think they deserve a break. Well this weekend has been semi-productive. I brought more of my stuff from my apartment with me and I got to spend time with Abbi; plus two days of work. I have a lote to do this week, I need to take my final (only 1 thank God!), empty my apartment, pack up everything that's not going with my to Spain, resolve my lease with my landlard, come down to sub Friday, and then be back up to Grand Rapids for graduation Saturday. Oh, and sell back books.

Can I pause for a day or two?
I'm just not sure I'm ready for this week to be here yet!

Journal Entry April 23rd 9:36 PM

I'm having a crap day today. That is very different from a crappy day. A crappy day is a day that sucks but a crap day is a day when I feel like crap. I am just having a day full of empty feelings. I feel stupid, not good enough, just plain worthless really. The worst thing is that there is nothing to blame it on because it was a good day! I wish I could explain away how I'm feeling; some feelins I just can't shake.

Journal Entry April 22nd 10:36 PM

Two months from tomorrow I will leave for Spain. I confess I'm still excited about it but in the last week it has been pushed from my mind. I just realized that a week from Saturday will be a big landmark for me and for my family. I will be the first of the six kids to graduate with a Bachelor's Degree! Lindsey got her Associates first because I didn't get one, and she will probably be the first to get a Master's Degree too but I still feel good about being first at something. I must admit it doesn't happen a lot. I usually do well at most things I try but to finish first, to reach this landmark, is such a big deal! Yay! Go me! (I am now throwing a mini celebration for myself in my head haha.) It's sad though to think about certain things..... I might never see my roommates or college friends again; I will miss my niece's 8th birthday; I won't see my brother's son/daughter until he/she is almost a year old! It's kind of difficult for me to think life will go on without me, almost like I never existed. Well I sub tomorrow at Ottawa so I should go to bed.

P.S. An old teacher of mine told mom she wasn't suprised I was going to Spain because I was so independent! Am I really independent?! I didn't know that!

Journal Entry April 18th 12:31 AM

So I know I wrote once already today but I feel like I didn't say everything. It's funny how almost everything I write in this journal is about Spain and my worries and my excitement, but I really don't talk about it. I guess that's pretty normal for me because I like to help other people with their problems but every now and then I get a selfish streak and wish someone would care about my problems. Maybe it's my fault for putting others first but I really can't be any other way, I guess it's just who I am. Maybe since no one else really seems to care that's why I've tried to make myself as emotionally independent as possible. I've heard the saying, "The only person you can rely on is yourself," and I always thought it was the words of a cold, bitter soul. Now I've realized maybe that soul was just tired of being used. In the words of a famous song,"We All Need Somebody to Lean On."

Journal Entry April 17th 3:43 PM

Another day, another entry. I am not sure if weekends are a curse or a godsend right now. My weekends actually are from Thursday afternoon to Monday afternoon but I am also subbing on Fridays and Mondays. I really do enjoy subbing I think I would do it for a living if I could make enough money with it. I come down to mom and dad's house Thursday, stay and work and then head back to school Monday afternoon. I was debating asking for my old job back at the movie theater but then I would work closing Friday, Saturday and Sunday, which means I would have no time to spend with my family and since I'm not going to see them for a year I want to spend time with them now. I think the hardest person to say goodbye to will be Abbi, my 7 year-old niece, I know she will change a ton over a year and it will be hard to miss that but I can't put my life on hold because I don't want to miss my family, if I do that I will never leave!

Journal Entry April 15th 11:48 AM

I just finished my next-to-last quiz in Logic and I have to confess I'm a little sad to see it end. I think this is the class I have learned the most new information from in my college career. It helps that the teacher is quite perceptive and engaging. It's strange I'm somewhere between "can't wait for school to be done" and "I wish school would never end." It's a bittersweet time and I know why I feel that way. I have been in school most of my life and I really enjoy it, so it's hard to think I may never go to school again. Hopefully in a few years I can afford to come back for grad school but who really knows.

Spain is such an exciting adventure but it still feels like it's just a dream. It's hard to make myself realize that it really is happening. I'm moving away, leaving friends, family, and everything I've ever known behind me! It is getting harder and harder to concentrate on school as my departure gets closer. I'm sure that I will be so busy in the next couple months that time will just fly by.

16 Days, 2 hours until graduation
68 days, 23 hours, 25 minutes until I leave for Spain

Journal Entry April 13th 10:26 PM

So I had a major freak out session today because I got an email from my program about obtaining a student visa for next year, which takes at least 6 weeks to get processed. Luckily, I emailed back and the lady said I could just go on the 90-day visitor's visa. Crisis averted!

Each day is a step closer to when I get to Barcelona as of right now it's 71 days, 10 hours and 10 minutes! That's 1714 hours and 10 minutes, or 102,850 minutes, or 6,171,000 seconds! Wow that seems like a lot and a little at the same time. Haha I just told my roommate how many seconds until I leave and she just stared at me. I guess I'm a little anxious about the whole thing, but it's just really freaking exciting!

Journal Entry April 12th 6:55 PM

I am currently ignoring homework that I really ought to be working on, but I am so excited that I couldn't concentrate anyway. Today my Dad helped me buy my tickets for Barcelona! It's official! I leave Chicago Wednesday June 23rd, stop in NYC and then on to Spain! I want to just jump up and down for hours! I can't though because I have too many things to do! It is so hard to focus on things like schoolwork when I feel like I have enough energy to run a marathon!

Journal Entry April 11th 11:38 AM

I had a series of dreams last night and was sad when I woke up and found they weren't true. I dreamed that my older sister had another little girl and I had one as well, her name was Angeline and she was beautiful and perfect. Every now and then my dreams come true. I really hope this is on of those times. Sometimes when I'm in the midst of making plans about my life I stop to think about kids and I realize that I would like to have children and relatively soon. It's hard because I don't want family to get in the way of my career but at the same time I don't want my career to keep me from having a family.

So my countdown tells me I have 20 days until graduation, 48 days until my trip to Chicago with Lindsey and Elea, 62 days until the Michigan race, and 77 days until Barcelona. However, the Barcelona trip may be closer than that! I need to talk to Dad so we can arrange my flight, I know I will need his help. It's a little crazy that at 23 years-old I still need my parents' help. I don't know what I am going to do without them next year.

Journal Entry April 9th 12:43 AM

Well it has been a very long time since I've kept a journal or diary, abut I think now may be a good time to start again. An aweful lot of things in my life are changing and it helps me keep calm and sort things out when I write about stuff. I will be graduating from Grand Valley State University with a Bachelor's Degree in International Relations in 22 days. Within a few days of graduation I will be moving out of my apartment (which I have lived in for the last 3 years). I will be temporarily moving back to my parents' house. However, this will be a short-term move because in 79 days I will be in Barcelona, Spain beginning the newest and greatest adventure of my life so far. I am going to take a one-month class to get certified to teach English as a foreign language (TEFL) and search for a job in Spain for the next year. This is by far the most spontaneous event of my life, to date.

My grandma worries about me being kidnapped or killed, while my grandpa says the Spanish men will all fall in love with me. My father loves the idea (I think this is partly because it is something he would love to do). My mother hasn't said much on the matter, which is strange because we are quite close. My sisters each have different opinions; one doesn't really care, one wishes me well and says it will be a great adventure (I think she, like Dad wants to go), and the last selfishly wants me to stay but understands that it is something I need to do. My brothers' opinions I cannot say; one refuses to speak to the family, while the other is quite busy trying to pull his own life together.

And I guess that leaves me.... How do I feel about it all?
I feel it's happening so fast. The real world is calling. I want to greet adventure with open arms. However, I also want to stay a child forever. I want to run and hide in my room. The whole idea is so wonderfully terrifying that I can't really wrap my head around it. In under 3 months I will be in Spain, alone, taking life as it comes!

It Begins...

Well someone (I think probably Jenny) told my mother that I should write a blog about going to Spain this summer and next year... and I really was hesitant because I've always thought bloggers were people that were totally full of themselves. Think about it a webpage dedicated to me me me. A little egotistical right? Then I realized that I pretty much already am doing it by keeping a journal, the only difference is that I already started the journal and the journal was by me, about me, and for me.

So I gave in to my ego, I will start a blog. I will invite people to read all the boring dribble that I absolutely appall seeing and hearing about from other people. So world consider this an invitation to nose into my life, read my personal thoughts, and laugh at true idiocy at its finest.

At first I will just post old journal entries that I have written in the last month about Spain, graduating college, and moving out of my apartment. Once I have caught up to the present then I will start with new "real time" entries.

So here it goes.... the beginning....